Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.

   Dam it I have to break up with her in person? Isn't there an easier way?" -Alexander Graham Bell, probably.

   Apparently my nipples approve of the cool weather...

   Not everyone is with the person they wanted. Some are just with the only person that would have them.

   I was getting ready for a costume party, and tried leaving the house in my boxers holding a bottle of wine, my gf asked me what are you doing, I said I am going as Charlie Sheen..

   thinks some people wake up and eat a massive bowl of stupid for breakfast everyday!

   Sorry, I can't follow you on twitter...I'm a leader!

   not a Proctologist, but seems to be surrounded by a$$holes today...

   Call me childish, but I can't help chuckling to myself whenever I see a senior citizen point at something using their middle finger.

   Some women are terribly hard to please, ... . . . . . the rest are Impossible

   I can already hear the birds judging me for sleeping till noon tomorrow.

   Gotta love a good GPS. No matter how many wrong turns you make, that little pocket sized symbol of hope just sits there, smiles at you and says "No worries buddy, I'll still get you there"

   Little known fact: Aquaman is peeing in the ocean.

   Never fear the unknown; embrace it! Never avoid challenges; welcome them! Never fear negativity; laugh at it! Never walk away from difficulties; confront them! True success can never be achieved without overcoming some sort of obstacles!

   Facebook is not the place to reveal your deepest darkest secrets. Your friends "like" you but they don't like you that much!

   Ever notice how banks and credit cards want you to go paperless to save a tree? Since I need those documents for my records I have to print them at home. So I'm using my paper instead of theirs. No trees are saved and I get screwed. Yay!

   At the end of the day, I just want to be loved but at the beginning of the day, gotta get rif of this morning wood.

   You'll lose a lot of money, chasing women. But you'll never lose women, chasing money.

   Couples who have been married for a long time start finishing off each other's sentences. The most popular being "Shut up."

   I yawn and you assume I quit listening. Truth be told, I was never listening.