Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   not a Proctologist, but seems to be surrounded by a$$holes today...

   Call me childish, but I can't help chuckling to myself whenever I see a senior citizen point at something using their middle finger.

   Some women are terribly hard to please, ... . . . . . the rest are Impossible

   I can already hear the birds judging me for sleeping till noon tomorrow.

   Gotta love a good GPS. No matter how many wrong turns you make, that little pocket sized symbol of hope just sits there, smiles at you and says "No worries buddy, I'll still get you there"

   Little known fact: Aquaman is peeing in the ocean.

   Never fear the unknown; embrace it! Never avoid challenges; welcome them! Never fear negativity; laugh at it! Never walk away from difficulties; confront them! True success can never be achieved without overcoming some sort of obstacles!

   Facebook is not the place to reveal your deepest darkest secrets. Your friends "like" you but they don't like you that much!

   Ever notice how banks and credit cards want you to go paperless to save a tree? Since I need those documents for my records I have to print them at home. So I'm using my paper instead of theirs. No trees are saved and I get screwed. Yay!

   At the end of the day, I just want to be loved but at the beginning of the day, gotta get rif of this morning wood.

   You'll lose a lot of money, chasing women. But you'll never lose women, chasing money.

   Couples who have been married for a long time start finishing off each other's sentences. The most popular being "Shut up."

   I yawn and you assume I quit listening. Truth be told, I was never listening.

   I would like to see the original blue prints for the city Starship built on rock and roll.

   REAL Rednecks read bedtime stories using their best "monster truck" voice.

   cant wait till the kids get older so I dont have to bring in the groceries

   the kinda guy your mother warned you about. Warned you not to let get away because a good man is hard to find.

   Remember: warning labels exist because someone failed at using the product correctly. scary when you think about windshield sun covers and the warning "do not drive while intact"

   I have discovered that after a huge argument makeup sex isn't all that great if the argument was with yourself.

   Hangover in progress.....please do not disturb. I think I have the >>wine flu this morning..............