Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bacon. The word alone deserves its own status.

   The self-checkout line was a miracle for the condom industry.

   Disclaimer: By reading this status, you consent to hold no responsibilty to the owner of this wall any embarrassment from Laughing Out Loud inappropriately, injuries sustained from internal laughter, or any @$$es that may have been laughed off. 

   You gotta hand it to midgets...because they sure as siht can't reach it...

   Pretending to be a pleasant person all day is EXHAUSTING!!!

   If an athlete's photographed with a bong it's an embarrassment; if he's photographed with a beer it's an endorsement.

   The best part of waking up........................is going back to sleep!

   If it weren't for the fact that my bed is so far away from my computer, some days I wouldn't exercise at all.

   If two blind people are dating, would they say they are "seeing each other" ?

   I just signed up for a well known diet plan. So far, all I've lost is $200

   If you're not into casual sex, I can put on a bow tie and we'll call it formal sex.

   I'm saving all my good posts for when I can think of some.

   May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house

   Every time I say stop, an epic battle takes place in my head where I decide whether to follow it with "in the name of love" or "hammertime."

   Our lives are defined by opportunities, even the ones we miss.

   Sorry about those texts last night. My phone was drunk.

   Just because I liked your status, doesn't mean I actually read it. More to make you feel like someone actually cares about what you have to say.

   A noise just came from my closet. I'm really hoping it's the Boogeyman and not R Kelly.

   The LIKE button: also for choosing sides in a Facebook argument without saying anything.

   If SOPA really goes down.... I might murder a government official, armed only with an empty iPod and ear phones...