Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A man should never talk on the phone with another guy while lying on his stomach with his legs in the air.

   upset that history channels mounted in alaska has absolutely nothing to do with bristol palin

   Speaking of Fathers Day... The one thing you never wanna hear when your father catches you watching porn is... "Scoot over."

   My wife decided to take up violin with good intentions but she couldn't decide which chin to rest it on

   vacation plans this year include a state wide convienence store hot dog tasting tour this summer

   photo albums become less interesting when all the hot chicks know how to use privacy settings :P

   Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.

   Osama isn't dead until Trump sees the death certificate!

   Does anyone else have a feeling that Pakistan knows where the Hamburglar is?

   Whoever said that laughter is the best medicine has obviously never had broken ribs.

   Psychotherapy is like the boardgame Clue: "I know who did it. It was my mother, with the passive-aggression, in the 80's."

   Free Tibet* --- *with the purchase of another Tibet of equal or greater value.

   why do all the women on Maury SCREAM when they talk?

   Never chase them, quickly replace them. Mistakes? Nahh, I don't retrace them. I just move on and mentally erase them.

   The Cavs win twice, the Tribe sweeps Boston, the Heat lose and LeBron's mom gets arrested. You can't deny that KARMA Cleveland.......

   If you survive any given fashion fad, you are allowed to wear it forever according to my dad

   Michael Brown's Mother is set to speak at the DNC tonight. Now I wasn't going to watch anymore of this crap, but I don't think that I'll be able to look away from this inevitable train wreck.

   Liberal people all across the nation are partaking in the new Donald Trump Diet .... It consists of eating a lot of Crow.

   We live in a curious time in history where for the first time parents send their children off to College and they return to us as mental toddlers.

   Remember Darth Vader took his mask off once and died within minutes. ‬