Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you tickle me, I'm not responsible for your injuries... or the stain on your carpet ツ

   Sometimes I get so hungry that I eat a sandwich without having sex first.

   Your baby is not interesting or funny, unless it's drunk or being carried away by an eagle.

   Subway is being sued for lying about length?!?!?.... Time for me to find a good attorney!

   Hey, just wanted to point out that Nemo is Omen backwards. I'm sure it's fine......

   Nowadays MILF doesn't have the same meaning, especially since there are 15 year old moms

   : The English language is being degraded by slang and this troubles me. Except the phrase, "All up in this b!tch." I think that's a keeper.

   What's the point of a high school reunion? I have Facebook. I already know you got Fat

   Whoa whoa, calm down Swiffer commercials, you're a wet paper towel on a stick

   Studies show we aren't doing anything right.

   Husband... "Whew, I'm glad that's over." Wife... "NOW CAN WE GET RID OF THAT BOAT!"

   Whenever I stalk someone, I wear a big foam finger so it's less creepy and more "super awesome fan."

   I'm actually really nice, until you annoy me.

   My sister calls me a "lazy alcoholic." Well, jokes on her. I just jogged to the liquor store.

   I have two feelings, it's either "I'm hungry" or "I shouldn't have eaten this much"

   Kim n kanye should name their kid 'KiIlevry" .. .. KiIlevry Kardashian has a nice ring too it

   If some people took parenting as seriously as they took training their dogs, there would be a few less screwed up individuals in this world.

   So Chris Brown smoked a little pot. If blunts are the only thing he's hitting, that sounds like progress to me.

   It used to be that a lady didn't kiss on the first date. But gas is 4 dollars a gallon, 1 date counts as 3 now.

   Trying to get someone to agree with your political or religious viewpoint, is as futile as trying to convince a mother that her baby isn't the cutest thing ever.