Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What's the point of a high school reunion? I have Facebook. I already know you got Fat

   Whoa whoa, calm down Swiffer commercials, you're a wet paper towel on a stick

   Studies show we aren't doing anything right.

   Husband... "Whew, I'm glad that's over." Wife... "NOW CAN WE GET RID OF THAT BOAT!"

   Whenever I stalk someone, I wear a big foam finger so it's less creepy and more "super awesome fan."

   I'm actually really nice, until you annoy me.

   My sister calls me a "lazy alcoholic." Well, jokes on her. I just jogged to the liquor store.

   I have two feelings, it's either "I'm hungry" or "I shouldn't have eaten this much"

   Kim n kanye should name their kid 'KiIlevry" .. .. KiIlevry Kardashian has a nice ring too it

   If some people took parenting as seriously as they took training their dogs, there would be a few less screwed up individuals in this world.

   So Chris Brown smoked a little pot. If blunts are the only thing he's hitting, that sounds like progress to me.

   It used to be that a lady didn't kiss on the first date. But gas is 4 dollars a gallon, 1 date counts as 3 now.

   Trying to get someone to agree with your political or religious viewpoint, is as futile as trying to convince a mother that her baby isn't the cutest thing ever.

   What's wrong with having your mind in the gutter all the time?! If it weren't for the gutter, my mind would be homeless!!!

   you know it wasn't always called bipolar, it once was called being a b!tch

   Roses are red, violets are blue. I have five fingers, the middle one is for you!

   When you wake up the first thing you do is roll over and check your cell phone

   If your spouce and a lawyer were drowning,,, and you had to choose,,, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

   I know my limits. I don't pay any attention to them, but I know them

   don't attempt to speak a language you can't speak. Going to a market in my 1st night in Spain saying "Quiero polla" instead of "Quiero pollo" was one great lesson! Just 1 letter made the difference-I wanted to say "I want chicken" but said "I want d*ck"!