Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Last night while having pasta, the lid to the parmesan cheese came off and way too much parmesan cheese spilled onto the plate. I learned an invaluable life lesson from this experience. There is no such thing as "way too much parmesan cheese".

   Women with horses are just crazy cat ladies, but richer.

   The current Facebook dilema: How long until I can remove my rainbow filter avi without looking like a homophobe?

   Honestly, all I want is a girl who doesn't have twerk videos on her FB page.

   Go on Christian Mingle ONE TIME, and they have to perform an exorcism on the whole site?

   Well apparently the Tiger Blood that Charlie Sheen has running through his vains came from the same hooker that Magic Johnson was boning.

   Unsubscribing to emails requires three or more clicks,, So I'm just going to keep deleting them for the rest of my life.

   I'm fortunate that anger and nicotine have zero calories.

   So with this Malaysian Airliner thing, I'm leaning towards the Abducted by Aliens theory.

   Do you ever wake up and kiss someone next to you and appreciate being alive? I did this and was chased out of the bus

   There's a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.

   If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.

   Nothing's says I'm guilty of every crime imaginable quite like using your blinker to pull into your driveway...

   he let me duct tape his mouth because I said it was my fetish, I really just wanted him to shut up

   A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

   Spiders are "just bugs"? Oh then I guess king kong is "just a monkey" huh pal? You kill it!!!!

   Has been lonely lately so I just made an appointment for my annual physical and prostate exam

   Our children are really going to think we're old when they find out that we were born "before the Internet."

   If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable...you disconnect yourself from what you truly want...and all that is left is a compromise...

   Facebook: making people think we really know their birth date