Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So I Went to pick up my date for homecoming, Her father said make sure she is home and in bed before 11PM, I Said " Don't worry Sir, I'll have her in bed by 830" :D

   This is actually Kanye West's second marriage, as he's been divorced from reality for many years now.

   Attention burglars: We may or may not be home. Or maybe we are hunters, waiting for you to get closer for a kill shot

   Mentally I am ready for Christmas, financially I am not ready for Christmas.

   whenever I hear that customer service calls are going to be recorded I do one of my raps because I’m done paying for studio time

   I'm so exhausted from my French self-defense course.... :/ I've never had to run this fast, so far in all my life!

   I'd be the stripper that got fired for eating her way out of the cake instead of jumping out of it.

   Last night while having pasta, the lid to the parmesan cheese came off and way too much parmesan cheese spilled onto the plate. I learned an invaluable life lesson from this experience. There is no such thing as "way too much parmesan cheese".

   Women with horses are just crazy cat ladies, but richer.

   The current Facebook dilema: How long until I can remove my rainbow filter avi without looking like a homophobe?

   Honestly, all I want is a girl who doesn't have twerk videos on her FB page.

   Go on Christian Mingle ONE TIME, and they have to perform an exorcism on the whole site?

   Well apparently the Tiger Blood that Charlie Sheen has running through his vains came from the same hooker that Magic Johnson was boning.

   Unsubscribing to emails requires three or more clicks,, So I'm just going to keep deleting them for the rest of my life.

   I'm fortunate that anger and nicotine have zero calories.

   So with this Malaysian Airliner thing, I'm leaning towards the Abducted by Aliens theory.

   Do you ever wake up and kiss someone next to you and appreciate being alive? I did this and was chased out of the bus

   There's a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.

   If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.

   Nothing's says I'm guilty of every crime imaginable quite like using your blinker to pull into your driveway...