Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If HR made employees settle their disputes with public dance-offs, everyone would try a lot harder to get along.

   My walk of shame is actually an escape plan.

   If I did road work I'd be that guy, the one who's leaning on his shovel and looks concerned while the other guys did all the work.

   Guns and Explosions in Disney Parks? I think they are opening a Pakistan Pavillion at Epcot!

   Ever wonder what it's like to be Amish? Get a blackberry. I'm practically milking cows and making candles over here.

   happy fathers day to all the ones who came home with the gallon of milk

   Women who are addicted to sex are called nymphomaniacs, men who are addicted to sex are called man

   what do we want? "a cure for obesity !" when do we want it? "after dinner!"

   I just tell ugly girls I have a paper bag fetish.

   Today I caught myself thinking of you and smiling... but it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.

   You had me at "I bet I can fit that whole thing in my mouth."

   Sometimes, the best kind of birth control is just good lighting.

   A recent study estimated that 8% of all Facebook accounts are fake… unless you count people's personalities, then that number jumps to 93%.

   I want to be rich enough to realize that I can't buy happiness.

   If I ever make a list of dumb things I have done my ex would be right on top.

   I'm making a bucket list, Some of the girls on my friends list are on it

   I could eat a bowl of Alphabet soup and poop out a better arguement!

   I'm making a list of people I like. The ones who say "autumn" instead of "fall" are the first ones I'm crossing off

   Me with no money: I want everything... Me with money: what the f?ck do I buy

   I think it's funny how everyone is suddenly thankful for everything just because its Thanksgiving