Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think the guy in the Trojan personal messager commercial is way too happy that his girl friend got 3 of them

   That awkward moment when you change your Facebook status to “single” and your ex 'Likes' it.

   Before Facebook, I had told maybe six people "Happy Birthday," ever.

   it's very easy for a woman to impress a man. Just show up naked and bring beer.

   The people I went to high school with got really old looking.

   I'm sorry I missed what you said, my bullsh*t filter was switched on

   It's International Womens Day and I don't know why men are so upset . They have their own day too : Palm Sunday.

   You dont have to believe in the goverment, to be a good American, you just have to believe in your country.

   Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch.

   I hate when I look in the mirror and see an adult.

   just two away from a threesome

   made entirely of flaws but stitched together with good intentions.

   more confused than a chameleon in a box of Smarties.

   January: that special time of the year when a children's Xmas toys & his parents are BOTH broke.

   I'll show you my status if you show me yours

   Just finished the KFC double Down .... Whoever made this had to be STONED because no one sober could come up with something SO GOOD !!!

   Two guys walk into a bar. I was one of them. I don't remember anything else..

   Sometimes, I wish emails from my family had an *unsubscribe* button at the bottom.

   ever notice how anything seems possible when you don't know what you're talking about

   Remember kids...skinny girls freeze to death faster!