Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm just your typical stay-at-home dad. Except I don't do housework or have a wife or any kids.

   Hey big girls: One size fits all on lingerie is just a misleading marketing ploy. Now they got you looking like a trapped seal in a fishnet.

   Everything is so much funnier when you're not allowed to laugh

   Dear Girls, when a boy pauses his video game to text you.. Marry him.

   Never fight anyone who bows to you first.

   If I ever get rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

   I don't know why I should learn Algebra. I'm never likely to go there.

   I think the guy in the Trojan personal messager commercial is way too happy that his girl friend got 3 of them

   That awkward moment when you change your Facebook status to “single” and your ex 'Likes' it.

   Before Facebook, I had told maybe six people "Happy Birthday," ever.

   it's very easy for a woman to impress a man. Just show up naked and bring beer.

   The people I went to high school with got really old looking.

   I'm sorry I missed what you said, my bullsh*t filter was switched on

   It's International Womens Day and I don't know why men are so upset . They have their own day too : Palm Sunday.

   You dont have to believe in the goverment, to be a good American, you just have to believe in your country.

   Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch.

   I hate when I look in the mirror and see an adult.

   more confused than a chameleon in a box of Smarties.

   January: that special time of the year when a children's Xmas toys & his parents are BOTH broke.

   I'll show you my status if you show me yours