Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Goal for 2014: Continue to live forever. So far, so good.

   'Pizza Hut, can I take your order?' Me: 'May I speak with the owl, please? ''Who?' Me: 'Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.'

   I stared into the abyss and the abyss was like, "Uh my eyes are up here!"

   They say money can't buy you happiness, but I've got a receipt from the liquor store telling a whole different story.

   My pet rock turned 4,054,870,001 today

   I know what you did 23 summers ago - Women

   I'm just here so I won't get fined.

   Experts think the Oscar for best picture will go to Boyhood or Bird-man. Kanye West thinks it will go to Beyoncé.

   I bet more people call the gambling addicts helpline if they made every 10th caller a winner! ♠♥♣♦😃😳

   Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat........

   For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

   I'm not an ad man but Tampax's slogan should be "we're not #1, but we are right up there."

   My Native American name is "Sits with purses while all her friends dance."

   How many people actually tell everyone that you said Hi.

   Dear Straight People: Take Justin Bieber back. We don't want him either. -G@y People

   We're shutdown, but not 'stop collecting taxes' shutdown.........- the government

   If you tell people you used to weigh 500 pounds they'll tell you how great you look at 250.

   My GF asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes yesterday. She wasn't happy when I came back with a push up bra.

   The only way I would jump off the Trump train is if I find out he had sex with Hillary.

   Oh, you like camping? I like drinking outside too.