Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Two rules of success in life: 1. Always have some secrets. 2.

   Someone is not a happy camper and should learn to appreciate how those guys are saving you the time to browse through twitter for the best jokes.

   Just tried to check my Farmville for the first time in 2 years, apparently I forgot to pay my taxes and the IRS owns it now.

   You posted a drunk selfie last night at 2:04 AM and then deleted it five minutes later. But I took a screenshot. Let's negotiate.

   Whenever the brain and the heart fight it's always the liver that suffers.

   You're doable, not dateable. Know your place.

   I started homeschooling my kids and now we're allergic to gluten and don't believe in vaccines.

   A Virginia woman on Tuesday graduated high school at the age of 111. She’s the first person to graduate high school and have her whole life behind her.

   Whenever I see a piece of gum in a urinal it makes me cringe. I just can't imagine the pain that caused on the way out! And also how does it not come out like silly string?

   I hit a deer last night. It died instantly. I feel awful, but when I'm jogging I'm in my own world.

   Screaming out "BOOM PREGNANT!" during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.

   ßî†chës be trippin.. OK, I may have pushed a few.

   Happy 15th birthday google, 3 more years and you will be able to search for adult sites legally

   I'm sorry I keep looking at your chest while you're talking. It's just so beautiful. What is it, oak?

   I hate it when I meow at cats and they don't meow back. unbelievably rude."

   I think we're old enough for a Karate Chop button on Facebook.

   We're going to IKEA. I might get a Strömphümpclūmpër, if they haven't got any of those I'll just buy some Płürplöpš and a höööphükïnéll..

   Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms should be a convenience store; not a government agency.

   Do you think in Heaven there is going to be a "White" Christian caucus? A "Black" Christian club? Think again. When we leave this earth, we leave this physical body behind which includes your skin color.

   I'm white,, but not "donates to PBS public television for $50 a month to receive a Free DVD of the programm I just watched for Free".. white.