Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's hard to kiss the lips at night that chew your ass out all day long.

   We all know someone who breathes way too damn loud.

   Iron Man is a super hero. Iron Woman is a command

   If you want to lose "friends"....tell the truth.

   hanging out with his cousin, Ahmed. Or as you know him Dave from AT&T customer services.

   im smart because I can play stupid to perfection

   WTF. I grabbed somebody sexy and told them "Hey, give me everything tonight!" They called the cops, Thanks a lot Pitbull.

   You managed to live through 01/01/01, 02/02/02, 03/03/03, 04/04/04, 05/05/05, 06/06/06, 07/07/07, 08/08/08, 09/09/09, 10/10/10 and now 11/11/11. Give yourself a pat on the back.

   According to Facebook, everyone did some really fun things with the kids this weekend and has a dog.

   To be fair, most marriages are pretty gay.

   you know you're getting too fat whe you outgrow your towel

   If you're the new guy at a Chinese restaurant are you considered the Lo Mein on the totem pole?

   If your woman is always reminding you of how other many guys want her and you are lucky she is still with you, dump that ho. Let those wolves have her.

   If Microsoft buys Facebook. Than the first notificationwe will get will be: “You have to install driver to addfriends”.

   Do you think anyone would be offended if I added them to my "Masturbated To" list? Asking for a friend.

   Just got a message from Jaheem Kofi, the kid I'm feeding for $.50 a day in Ivory Coast... he wants his NY Ranger 2014 Stanley Cup Champions T-shirt in small.

   Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.

   I had my Crayola guy re-run the numbers,,, and there's only 36 shades of grey

   Handjobs from girls who speak sign language are technically blowjobs

   Hey kids, know what's harder than graduating from college? Busting your a$$ for $hit wages the rest of your life...