Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't know what is more nerve wrecking... this first kiss or the first fart.

   I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is?

   The snippy little nurse told me to piss in a cup. So I told her to go fart in a jar. And the fight was on.

   Paula Deen dropped by Food Network for racial slurs.. she has no one to blame butter self...

   The photographer who released the photos of the Boston bomber capture got fired but the sniper that had the laser dot on his head and didn't pull the trigger still has his job? What's up with that?

   Hello? Poison control? I need some help. Bret Michaels is in my house and he won't leave.

   As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice that when you put the two words, 'The' and 'IRS' together, it spells THEIRS?

   Sometimes my attention span is shorter than a gold fish crackers are delicious.

   Women want someone that looks good on their arm, holds all their crap, and compliments their shoes. Basically men are just purses.

   Never turn your back on a charging turtle.

   Happiness, is just a liquor store away.

   Rich people stay rich by living like they are poor. Poor people stay poor by living like they are rich.

   Trump is the tornado. And Hillary is the trailer park.

   Obama claimed he was the one to bring the races together... Hows that working for ya BLM?

   No one deserves people chanting outside their home. No one

   if your complaining about new statuses, maybe you should do your part and contribute a witty status yourself!

   Sometimes I go up the stairs & when I get there, I completely forget what I went up there for. So I masturbate. That's usually the reason.

   Hey I just met you and this is crazy. But I just ate bath salts and you look tasty

   My doctor recommended I increase the amount of Greens in my diet...so I started drinking more Rolling Rock.

   To pay for gas, I'm selling tickets that allow people to get lost in my eyes for 15 minutes.