Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I always practice safe sex. When I am done, I deflate her and put her in the safe. I don't want my cleaning lady finding it.

   So who's buying their kids Elmo toys this Christmas?....Anyone...?

   To all the Jehovas Witnesses: Happy 12:30am on a tuesday!!!

   I took two foreign languages in high school,,,, Spanish and math.

   What's the situation with Kony in 2013? Do we still hate the guy?

   Jupiter's gravitational pull is so strong that we use it to help thrust our probes deeper into space...

   Speed walkers look like they're constantly auditioning for a diarrhea commercial

   what's the difference between your wife and your job? after a couple of years your job still sucks.

   Siri is like an Ex. She was great once but now I'm repeating myself and she never listens to me, and by the end of the conversation I'm yelling.

   I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.

   I just tried to kill a spider with hairspray. He's still alive, but his hair looks outstanding.

   On my tombstone I'm going to pout...preheat oven to 400 degrees...none will get it though.

   Home school kid caught dating his teacher.....whoa what?

   If I die young like in the next few days I blame it on the Girl Scouts and their evil cookies.

   The Kardashian Sisters would make great Vampires. They all have that dark exotic look, they're talented suckers, and live the night life well. The only thing they couldn't handle about Vampirism is not being able look at themselves in a mirror any more.

   Ladies, Don't ever tell your man that you don't mind if he looks at other women. He'll remember that sh!t better than his social security number.

   Attention guy walking two feet behind me down the entire block even though we're the only people on this street: I will stab you in 10 feet.

   Skinny thugs dress like they're fat. Fat hipsters dress like they're skinny. Guys in drag dress like girls. Am I still considered normal anymore by wearing what I'm supposed to?

   thinks going to Target is like going to Wal Mart, only you feel alot better about yourself inside a Target!!

   mad props to New York for dressing up as New Orleans for Halloween.