Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That's a nice tribal tattoo you have there, caucasian man... or should I refer to your Native American name 'Man That Paddles Douche Canoe'

   the fact “gorilla” does not rhyme with “tortilla” infuriates me.

   Relationship Status: Cutting your brake lines.

   I had 3 happy meals today and none of them worked.

   I'm white but not "I know who my state senator is", white.

   Alcohol, because depression doesn't take a day off.

   Your restraining order says NO But your lazy eye says.......maybe later.

   Ravens cut Ray Rice. I'd hate to there when he gets home tonight!!

   I always walk around with a megaphone. If Facebook breaks I need to be able to tell everyone that I've had dinner.

   Guys nowadays are so whiny,"these handcuffs are too tight" "there's not enough air in this trunk" "why are you branding your name on my ass"

   This might be the cocaine talking but babysitting your two kids tonight was the best experience of my life.

   Tetris taught me that when you try to fit in you’ll disappear.

   Not sure who came up with the spelling of "phlegm" but phuck thegm.

   I checked with my doctor, and beer is right for me.

   My buddy told me he was having sex with twins... I asked how do you tell them apart? He said, "Her brother has a mustache"

   Sex burns 25.7 calories per minute, with that being said, wanna work out? ;)

   Much of my life is a contest to see which of the voices in my head can say the funniest sh!t.

   I'm sorry I keep calling you and hanging up. I just got this new phone and it's voice activated. So every time I yell dumb ass, it dials you.

   The world would be a much better place if everyone just did what I told them to do and stopped asking so many stupid questions.

   I've never seen more than 600 dollars worth of cars in a 7-Eleven parking lot.