Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm white but not "I know who my state senator is", white.

   Alcohol, because depression doesn't take a day off.

   Your restraining order says NO But your lazy eye says.......maybe later.

   Ravens cut Ray Rice. I'd hate to there when he gets home tonight!!

   I always walk around with a megaphone. If Facebook breaks I need to be able to tell everyone that I've had dinner.

   Guys nowadays are so whiny,"these handcuffs are too tight" "there's not enough air in this trunk" "why are you branding your name on my ass"

   This might be the cocaine talking but babysitting your two kids tonight was the best experience of my life.

   Tetris taught me that when you try to fit in you’ll disappear.

   Not sure who came up with the spelling of "phlegm" but phuck thegm.

   I checked with my doctor, and beer is right for me.

   My buddy told me he was having sex with twins... I asked how do you tell them apart? He said, "Her brother has a mustache"

   I heard you were voted "Most likely to suck seed."

   Not even 2012, Paranormal Activity 3, Shooting, Bomb Attacks, or Failing a Class is scarier then 5 missed calls from Mom.

   With only one plug in this hospital room it's not looking good for Nana's respirator if my phone battery dies and I have another AWESOME face book status update .

   Hey Jerry Sandusky, I hope Bubba treats you in prison like you treated those kids.

   that moment of joy after feeling you've created the greatest status... then a half hour passes and your contemplating suicide since you have not a single like

   They might as well start teaching texting while driving in driver's education classes.

   Be careful who you call your friends. I'd rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies

   I'm convinced that whoever invented crack cocaine is also responsible for Samoa girl scout cookies. The similarities are too obvious to ignore...

   What is more annoying than Valentine's Day? The people that won't shut the hell up about how much they hate Valentine's Day.”