Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I never understood why people use a persons picture for their caller ID; me personally I prefer to take a picture of myself and how that person makes me feel.

   You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.

   Boss: So, tell me your greatest weakness Me: Honesty Boss: I don't think that's a weakness Me: I don't really care what you think.

   Side boob is only hot on women, bro.

   I'm just a guy struggling to find the appropriate level of inappropriateness for every social interaction I'm unlucky enough to be a part of

   Ladies no amount of alcohol should ever make you go barefoot in the club. You are not Wilma Flintstone

   I'm working on my 2014 New Year's Resolutions List 1. On January 1st, "Express order" workout equipment. 2. January 2nd workout with new equipment 3. January 3rd "Place Ad to sell workout equipment at 1/2 price"

   I'd rather mail myself somewhere than ride in a Smart Car.

   And Eli Manning smiles quietly to himself. Knowing he will be the Manning with the most Super Bowl wins

   My girlfriend said she wanted us to have a fairytale romance. So I poisoned her apple.

   LOOKING to hire someone full-time to take pictures of my food. Private message me if interested.

   Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.

   No one will ever look at you the way I do.. .. .. But thats probably because no one will ever do it from the tree outside your window

   [job interview] "So what are your goals for working here?" To be home by 5

   One would think if you can fly a freaking Starship you could fly a World War 2 vintage plane?

   Apparently both Bill and Hillary like private servers...

   I just checked my wife's pulse. She's still crazy.

   Two year olds today can unlock an iphone, open and close apps all by themselves... When I was that age, I was eating dirt

   I started to do dishes, and checked Facebook real quick, and that was two years ago.

   Remember the old days when people screwed up their relationships naturally, without the help of the Internet? Those were good times.