Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know.. I would call you a tool, but even THEY have a purpose.

   Cigarettes take 50 years to kill you. I'm more worried about the stuff that does it quickly like sharks, lightning, women or flamethrowers.

   ''I want to ruin some songs today.'' -The producers of Glee every morning.

   Dad, when I grow up I want to join Twitter. Sorry son. You can't do both.

   I heard Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian never really got into high school. Which is not surprising as to why a lot of dudes got into them.

   I just slid off the couch and lay on the floor for a while and eventually sat up without using my hands, is that a yoga class?

   Keys to a good marriage: 1) Trust 2) Communication 3) Intimacy 4) Blocking each other on Social Networks And 5) Alcohol

   To think, millions of children go to bed every night without knowing what their Sleep Number is.

   This place smells of sexual frustration, hopelessness, loneliness, disappointment Skittles & vodka. God it's good to be at home.

   Whenever you refer to a "hot girl" in your story,,,, I'll say, "She wasn't that hot, But go on."

   My relationship advice is if you're not single you deserve it.

   My wife must like it doggie style. Every time I mention sex she hides under the bed…

   You can tell a lot about a person by making vast assumptions.

   Stop advertising your relationship on Facebook not everyone wants to see you happy.

   Today, I just appreciate my middle finger. It always sticks up for me ツ

   Not sure why I'm not famous yet...America loves a good train wreck.

   Perverts can contribute to society. Look at the disturbed individual who discovered cow's milk.

   If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?

   This IKEA joke may be cheap,,, but it still took me hours to figure out how to set up.

   There is a huge difference between a hot girl and a girl wearing lesser clothes.