Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Taking my Mother-in-Law swimming off the western coast of Australia

   Apple cobbler? Uh,, No thanks,,, If I ever want shoes made for my apples,, I'll buy them at the mall where they're cheaper,,, I'm NOT an idiot..

   Turns out the guy I hired to be my life coach is actually a swimming coach, which explains why he kept wanting me to wear a Speedo.

   Rather than buy Instagram, it would have been nice if Facebook put that money into just 1 version of their app that ACTUALLY works.

   This just isn't working out.... I think we should start being other people.

   Girls who say 'G-strings are more comfortable than regular underwear' know that men hear 'I like things in my butt'

   And on Friday God created alcohol, and Adam was happy! It had been a long first week with Eve

   Dear people who dont rate a joke after it makes them laugh, F*ck you!! >:p

   Hello Verizon... This is President Obama... I am interested in your share everything plan...

   Google... sqrt(cos(x))*cos(300x)+sqrt(abs(x))-0.7)*(4-x*x)^0.01, sqrt(6-x^2), -sqrt(6-x^2) from -4.5 to 4.5

   thinks the McDonald's Employee of the Month is a good example of when a person can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

   wondering if Chris Brown releases a "greates hits" cd.....will that violate his probation????

   went to a baseball game yesterday with my new girlfriend. We played a game where I would kiss her on the strikes, and she would kiss me on the...

   Doesnt matter if the Bengals lose.... Yeah a win would be nice but at least our Quater back isnt a douche. You can constantly improve, you cant fix Douche-Baggery. There I win ;)

   A completely unattractive woman is hitting on me at the bar. I'd drink until she's cute but the bar closes in 9 hours...

   I didn't know how talented I was...I can sneeze and piss at the same time... :(

   Winter Weather: where a couple of inches will keep a woman in bed all day.

   Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.

   What does it mean when your lady wears a Cleveland Browns jersey to bed.......U aint gonna score!

   wish my boobs wouldn't slap my face while I run.