Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Rather than buy Instagram, it would have been nice if Facebook put that money into just 1 version of their app that ACTUALLY works.

   This just isn't working out.... I think we should start being other people.

   And on Friday God created alcohol, and Adam was happy! It had been a long first week with Eve

   Dear people who dont rate a joke after it makes them laugh, F*ck you!! >:p

   Hello Verizon... This is President Obama... I am interested in your share everything plan...

   Google... sqrt(cos(x))*cos(300x)+sqrt(abs(x))-0.7)*(4-x*x)^0.01, sqrt(6-x^2), -sqrt(6-x^2) from -4.5 to 4.5

   thinks the McDonald's Employee of the Month is a good example of when a person can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

   wondering if Chris Brown releases a "greates hits" cd.....will that violate his probation????

   went to a baseball game yesterday with my new girlfriend. We played a game where I would kiss her on the strikes, and she would kiss me on the...

   Doesnt matter if the Bengals lose.... Yeah a win would be nice but at least our Quater back isnt a douche. You can constantly improve, you cant fix Douche-Baggery. There I win ;)

   A completely unattractive woman is hitting on me at the bar. I'd drink until she's cute but the bar closes in 9 hours...

   I didn't know how talented I was...I can sneeze and piss at the same time... :(

   Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.

   What does it mean when your lady wears a Cleveland Browns jersey to bed.......U aint gonna score!

   wish my boobs wouldn't slap my face while I run.

   Squirrelly, squirrelly on the street--you shoulda been quicker on your feet.

   Beyonce is pregnant. She should of put a Nuva Ring on it

   Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding!

   Yesterday I changed the name of my WiFi to 'Hack if you can'. Today it was called 'Challenge Accepted'

   Still haven't heard Obama or GOP candidates say anything about getting rid of Jersey Shore or deporting Justin Bieber back to Canada…