Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When my girlfriend and I fight, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house. Just so I can say "Oh yeah, you need me NOW, huh?"

   If you ever get a sudden urge to run around naked, sniff some Windex first, it'll keep you from streaking.

   Tired of being single? Go sleep on the couch for a night and remember what it feels like to be in a relationship. 

   If men stopped holding doors open for them, would ladies just pile up outside?

   Don’t expect a “bless you” after the 4th sneeze…get your self together

   I like my women like I like my coffee.. in a burlap sack shipped over from a 3rd world country

   It's so cold out I've turned 50 Shades Of Blue!

   I once asked an old man: Which is more important to love or to be loved? He replied: which is more important to a bird, the left wing or the right wing?

   I just found some Thanksgiving leftovers in the fridge. Funny, I don't remember making any turkey pudding...

   My wrist injury is better now that Olympics women's beach volley is over.

   Please ignore this status. I'm standing in public alone and I don't want to seem like a total loner, so I'm making it look like I'm texting.

   I once dated an amputee. She single-handedly changed my life

   I asked a question and this kid said "GOOGLE IT".....You and this Dammmm Google everything Generation!....If the power was to ever cut off, we are so in trouble!

   Last time I went "trick or treating" for Halloween, I got so high beforehand that I just stood on my own porch ringing the doorbell all night.

   It has been so long, even my memory foam mattress forgot the last time I had sex.

   I like to keep the security people at places like Best Buy, etc on their toes. Therefore, when I am leaving after having made a purchase and my item(s) still sets off the alarm, I will always take off running like a bat out of hell. Merry XMas!

   Walmart.. The only place in America where you can buy a shrimp-ring, a wedding-ring, and tidy-bowl for a toilet ring in the same store.

   I love myself but I'm not "post pictures of myself everyday on my Facebook wall" love myself.

   The best thing about relationships is realizing the full level of batsh!t crazy you are capable of achieving.

   If I can buy magnum condoms with a straight face, I can beat any polygraph test.