Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's that time of the year again where the trees are having sex. I wouldn't mind it except my car seems to be getting the money shot and I'm the one who has to clean it up.

   I'm going to open a store next to FOREVER 21 and call it "FINALLY 22".....

   (Person:) Do you know how many calories are in that?! (Me:) Do you know how many f**ks I don't give?

   I've quit smoking, drinking and swearing! I still lie though!

   The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of beer. That means the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.

   if I was 85 years old and a cop pulled me over for speeding my excuse would be "am in a hurry before I forget where I am going"

   I only get religious when scratching off lottery tickets.

   I always have sex with the front door open, So I can give Jehovas something to witness.

   "not drunk, hes just exhausted from being up all night drinking"

   There's a new soft drink which contains Viagra instead of Caffeine. It's called mount-n-do.

   in California a maltese dog cost around $1000, You can buy the same dog in Vietnam for 5 dollars and it includes a side of fries and a drink.

   I wonder if Asian people put smileys like this ¦)

   If you want to know whether a chick is a cvnt or not, just call her a c*nt. Nothing sets off a crazy cvnt like being called a cvnt.

   Drinking Non-Alcoholic Beer Is Like Going Down On Your Cousin, It Tastes The Same But It's Just Wrong

   Wait... are Republicans mad at Obama because his website isn't good enough at doing a thing they hate?

   I knew this girl who wanted bigger boobs, but couldn't afford proper implants, so she had her uncle make her a false set out of pine!!! Would be great if I had a punchline to go with that though, wooden tit?

   STOP EVERYTHING YOUR DOING!!! Think about me for 3 secs. 1.....2.....3.... You have just experienced the best 3 seconds of your life. You're Welcome!

   What's the difference between a Democrat and a catfish? One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom feeder and the other one is a fish.

   Mexican words of the day: Bishop and Lysol. Will somebody please shut that Hillary Bishop. She Lysol the time.

   Next time you use the bathroom, take your pants off, hang them over the side of the stall and randomly shout out "RELEASE THE KRACKEN!" Let people know you mean business!