Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.

   I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.

   Realized I never said "unquote" after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I've said since is Shakespeare

   Remember kids -- it may be illegal to text and drive,,, but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.

   Boss: Can you pass a urine test?... Me: Sure...distance or accuracy?

   Wishing a Happy Valentines to all those who are taken, almost taken, taken from granted, waiting to be taken, assumed to be taken, and those who aren't taken seriously.

   A world is supported by four things ... thelearning of the wise, the justice of the great, the prayers of the righteous and the valor of the brave. But all of these are as nothing ... without a ruler who knows the art of ruling. 

   The more you know. Daylight Savings started back in 1964 when Jerry Daylight Savings was an hour late for work & convinced his boss all the clocks were wrong.

   One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.

   I have noticed that everyone who is for abortion, has already been born.

   To the girl working at the McDonalds I just left, based on all your tattoos, I'd say your minimum wage pay isn't the issue here...

   Marriage. The world's oldest form of identity theft.

   How much for the death sentence? Sir, this is a marriage license.

   I'm only sitting in the back of this police car for the free donuts.

   Me: I'll have a quickie. Barista: Sir, it's called an espresso.

   Hey guys, just to let you all know I'll be closing my facebook account in three days. But in four days I'll be explaining why I didn't leave

   *calling pizza place* "Hello?" Your pizza tastes like cardboard "Are you sure you're not eating the box again?" *long pause* *click*

   I might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery the odds are about the same

   I know they say cell phones have more germs then toilets,,,,,, But I'm just not tasting that much of a difference

   maybe congress should hire Nik Wallenda to balance the budget...