Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I want to live my life like a fly, pester as many people and get into as much sh!t as possible before I die.

   Futurist, writer, strategist, social media guru, comedian, consultant, entrepreneur, horny. One out of the seven is true about me.

   Have you noticed that since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs anymore.

   Sometimes, talking to a woman requires a translator.

   Hey guys whose girlfriends wear those giant t-shirts as nightgowns, one day you'll be married, and that shirt's going to fit her.

   If it doesn't kill you,, you'll learn from it.. If it does kill you,, I'll learn from it

   I've dedicated my life to gettin prostitutes off the streets .... For an hour or so usually ..    

   Its not the chocolate or the flowers, it's how you put a smile on my face that makes today all worthwhile

   dollar menus giving ramen noodles a run for their money

   ok its almost March....all the people that joined my gym in January for their new years resolution can stop now, I'm tired of waiting to use machines

   My dramatic exit was ruined when I forgot my phone.

   If you're single and looking to score, never bring girls to a bar... that's like bringing apples to an orchard.

   I can count to five in Spanish. Maybe Pitbull will let me be on his next album

   How can my kids rule at playing Tetris, then do such a crappy job at loading the dishwasher?

   Always dress like you're going to see your worst enemy.

   No one at work will question the handful of pills you are swallowing if you just say that it's what keeps you from murdering them all.

   My son informed me that he does NOT lie. He simply creates fiction with his mouth from time to time.

   I don't play "Hard To Get" , I play "Never Going To Happen"

   I want to go to Australia so I can wear shorts with a cowboy hat yet remain straight.

   For softer cookies,,, skip the baking part and just eat the dough.