Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Someone said that I need to look at the world from a woman's point of view, so I looked out the kitchen window.

   whenever I get tired of being single I take a dump on myself, to remember what its like to be in a relationship

   Man I think it is BS that certain nations have our back in war-time situations but won't help with our search for Bigfoot

   To my neighbor dude who just saw me smoking outside without pants on: I'm sorry. To his wife: You're welcome.

   I love it when a fat person says, "That's the way I roll."

   If they shut down facebook, people would be roaming the streets in tears , shoving pictures of themselves in other people's faces yelling "DO YOU LIKE THIS?! DO YOU?!".

   Facebook now has 901 million users and I'm pretty sure all of them have invited me to play FarmVille.

   Sometimes I like to re---post my statuses that didn't get any "Likes"... because they deserve a second chance too.

   Eve: I got an Apple... Adam:Ugh.. Eve: What?.. Adam: I thought we decided on Android?... Eve: The serpent said this was better.

   Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews) Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfriend.

   My bank just called me because of suspicious activity on my debit card. They couldn't believe I bought a gym membership either.

   thinking if your relationship Status says "It's complicated". Stop kidding yourself and change it to Single!

   Instead of saying that someone is retarded or stupid, I am going to try and take the more sensitive path, and ask them if they were made in China.

   thinking women should come with a carfax

   If a man is talking, and there isn't a woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

   1. Vodka is made from potatoes. 2. Potatoes are vegetables. 3. Vegetables are good for you. 4. You're welcome!

   1. Vodka is made from potatoes. 2. Potatoes are vegetables. 3. Vegetables are good for you. 4. You're welcome!

   Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So THAT'S where the clitoris is.

   When non-smokers come to My house, I ask them to stand outside while I have a smoke.

   When they hand me my napkins at the drive thru, I reach for them, while pretending to masturbate, and shout "Hurry, hurry, hurry!"