Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love it when a fat person says, "That's the way I roll."

   Facebook now has 901 million users and I'm pretty sure all of them have invited me to play FarmVille.

   Sometimes I like to re---post my statuses that didn't get any "Likes"... because they deserve a second chance too.

   If they shut down facebook, people would be roaming the streets in tears , shoving pictures of themselves in other people's faces yelling "DO YOU LIKE THIS?! DO YOU?!".

   Eve: I got an Apple... Adam:Ugh.. Eve: What?.. Adam: I thought we decided on Android?... Eve: The serpent said this was better.

   Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews) Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfriend.

   My bank just called me because of suspicious activity on my debit card. They couldn't believe I bought a gym membership either.

   thinking if your relationship Status says "It's complicated". Stop kidding yourself and change it to Single!

   Instead of saying that someone is retarded or stupid, I am going to try and take the more sensitive path, and ask them if they were made in China.

   thinking women should come with a carfax

   If a man is talking, and there isn't a woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

   1. Vodka is made from potatoes. 2. Potatoes are vegetables. 3. Vegetables are good for you. 4. You're welcome!

   1. Vodka is made from potatoes. 2. Potatoes are vegetables. 3. Vegetables are good for you. 4. You're welcome!

   Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So THAT'S where the clitoris is.

   When non-smokers come to My house, I ask them to stand outside while I have a smoke.

   When they hand me my napkins at the drive thru, I reach for them, while pretending to masturbate, and shout "Hurry, hurry, hurry!"

   Capital punishment shouldn't even be a debate. You deserve to be put to death if you take a life.

   There are two things I cannot stand: racism and asians

   38 years old and still doesn't need glasses . . . I just drink straight out of the bottle!

   doing nothing worth mentioning on facebook.