Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer. Hug your casual acquaintances. Fist bump a frenemy.

   I don't get why women panic over taking pregnancy tests. I would've jumped at the chance of peeing on all my tests when I was in school

   I'm so drunk I almost answered my phone.

   t amazes me that Playboy have explored the idea of making pop-up books yet.

   With all the people on my back, it's a miracle I can even walk.

   I don't need anger management... I need people to stop talking to me when I wake up.

   I saw a monarch butterfly today, what made it so special is the fact that it was the first time it wasn't stamped on some stripper's ass.

   Everyone is gifted, but some people never open their package...

   That uneasy momen when your one night stand thinks otherwise and is anticipating you to change your relationship status.

   imagine the nurses surprise changin a old lady diaper an her tat says 'juicy'

   For the chicks who forget why your boobs are so awesome...grab them and you'll remember why.

   At your age we took spelling tests and not pregnancy tests.

   The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.

   I miss Sunday afternoon football. The people living in this house keep trying to speak to me.

   If you take relationship advice from Taco Bell hot sauce packets... Congrats, you have reached rock bottom.

   If I could live in any time period, it would have to be a mix of the 50s and the 80s and the future. So, Back to the Future Pt 2, basically.

   Reading your best friend's status and thinking, "Ha! I know exactly who that's about!"

   "I sit on my ass looking at the web all day." - a spider

   When I call my parents, and they don't answer it's no big deal but when they call me and I don't answer it's like World War II.

   bought a box of condoms tonight..... when I walked in the house my wife asked me" why did you buy a year's supply for?"