Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes you want someone so bad, youll tell yourself lies &hope they come true.

   Next time you get a call on your cell and you dont know who it is, answer it.... 'hello, westwood sperm bank, you squeeze it - we freeze it' !

   Possible post if Facebook was around in 1983: DANGIT...street lights are on. Guess who's getting beat with a belt when he gets home :'(

   The dress was white and gold until it decided to go on a date with Chris Brown.

   So if you're blind and on the toilet do you wipe until the dog barks or how does that work?

   If people could read minds and two people were reading each other's mind, so wouldnt they be reading their own mind reading the opposite mind reading their own mind reading the opposite mind ..............

   I bet the Chinese get excited when it's raining cats and dogs. Must be like a buffet for them.

   Dear Face Wash Commercials, nobody actually splashes their face with water like that. Sincerely, my whole damn bathroom floor is wet.

   Hey pistachio with the shell welded shut.. I know you've been hurt before, but I just want to love you... Let me in, Baby....

   If you aren't happy being single, you'll never be happy in a relationship. Get your own life first, then share it.

   the status below me is the furthest from funny a status could be. this is not a world topic blog. bring the funny or shut it.

   Gas prices are so high...I saw a street gang doing a walk-by

   Smart folks don't care a damn about the cause because they know the reason for the cause barely exists. Dumb folks are fooled into thinking it does. Comply with LEO's, exit your car if asked, don't walk or run away, don't reach for a gun or knife. Simple.

   Hillary sucks

   I figure there are 3 types of people in this world....Those that can count, and those that cannot!!

   I see Coke is once again running their popular "Look Under the Cap to Try Again" contest.

   was so depressed last night that I called Lifeline. I got through to a call centre in Afghanistan. I told them I was suicidal - they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

   I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy

   I'd like to thank my mom for helping me out of some real tight spots over the years. Starting with the day I was born.

   Just once i'd like to write out a check in crayon..