Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I haven't done a taste test, but I'm pretty sure a bleached butthole tastes the same as a regular butthole.

   In the rest of the world, it’s called “football,” but in America it’s called “Let’s see what else is on TV.”

   A drunk walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck. The bartender says, "You can stay but don't try to start anything."

   Teach your kids about taxes and social security by taking 30% of their Halloween candy and promising to give part of it back in 70 years.

   BREAKING NEWS: North Korea shoots sky...... Misses.

   If a bear tries to attack you in the woods, give it your bicycle. Maybe it's one of those circus bears, you never know.

   If I opened a strip club I would have the girls wear BBQ scented perfumes. So when guys came home they could say they were at a Steak House.

   You know you are addicted to Facebook when you log off Facebook..... turn your computer off.... go to bed, roll over & put the covers on you and log onto your Facebook from your phone one last time for the night.

   Alanis Morissette should have had one hand in her pocket, and the other one Googling the correct usage of the word ironic.

   I wish I could trade my heart for another liver.. So I could drink more and care less

   I flirted with disaster last night. Now disaster won't stop texting me.

   Its funny how parents say its their house but when its time to clean it magically becomes my house too

   I got a pet wussy. LIKE if you read that wrong.

   Guys, clean up your!̸̶͚͖͖̩̻̩̗͍̮̙̈͊͛̈͒̍̐ͣͩ̋ͨ̓̊̌̈̊́̚͝͠ͅ ̷̧̢̛͖̤̟̺̫̗͚̗͖ͪ̏̔̔̒́ͥ̓ͫ̀ͤ̇ͥ͝ ̡̊͛̇ ͫ̉ͦ̊̀̔ͧͮ͆̽ͦͩ͋̌͗̚̚҉̵͖̟͙̮͈̼̹̞͝ͅscreen ;D

   During sex, do you think midgets do it puppystyle?

   95% of all Fords sold in the last 20 years are still on the road today. The other 5% actually made it home.

   a ventriloquist. I can put my hand up your skirt and make your lips move!

   Good girls bend at the kness. BAD girls bend at the waist. ;)

   Indians and their Discount. I asked Rajesh what time is it? He replied, " Its 3 O'clock my friend bt for you I will make it 2.30".

   There are a lot of deadbeat dads out there trying to make up for lost time by "liking" their grown children's facebook updates.