Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you didn't want to be hit with a shovel then you never should have started telling me about your problems.

   After all these years of working in I.T., I have come to the following conclusion: "Dilbert" is not a comic strip. It's a documentary.

   Facebook features three types of women: hot, photoshopped hot, and a dog for a profile pic.

   If you think your job stinks, how would you like to be a member of the camera crew that has to follow the Kardashians 24/7.

   My Wife told me to stop impersonating a Flamingo..............I had to put my foot down

   Hey smoke detectors, feel free to use that last bit of battery life to continue monitoring fires instead of getting all beepy.

   Snowstorm so white Jada Pinkett-Smith is boycotting it.

   I hate it when I shake it too hard & a drop of pee hits me in the face. These guys probably think it's my first day as a bathroom attendant.

   Any girl is a stripper if you wait outside her window long enough

   A guy at a stoplight angrily pointed and yelled at me, so I smiled at him and mouthed "I love this song too!"

   If I was rich and Asian, there's a 100% chance I'd change my name to Cha Ching.

   A good way to kill someone with kindness is to strangle them with a sweater you spent weeks knitting for them.

   A cactus is really just an aggressive cucumber.

   In RELATIONSHIP status they should add "Flirtationship"- more than a friendship, less than a relationship

   80% of people have a brain, the other 20% are in my friend list clicking on spam as we speak

   Of all the lies I tell, "I was just kidding!" is my favorite.

   "Chicken of the Sea" is both a delicious brand of tuna.. and the best way to insult a pirate.

   oh look at the time, it's time to not care

   If your father never hugged you as a child then Rugby is the perfect sport for you.

   Things that don't mix - pregnancy and clubbing.