Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate long walks on beaches, picnics suck, dinner and a movie costs too much, I expect my woman to make me a sandwich, bring me a beer and not say a word while I'm watching the game.~ Honest guys eHarmny profile

   I accidentally called 911, so I set my house on fire so I wouldn't look stupid.

   I thought a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.

   You know if you say gullible slowly it sounds like oranges

   I hate people who can't make up their minds. I love them.

   Sick of people who cannot handle having their beliefs questioned with well reasoned arguments.

   What do you call a lesbian with long fingernails? Single!

   wonders if there is another word for synonym!

   Anyone noticed that "studying" is like "student" and "dying" put together?

   I wonder if kids in China ever look at their happy meal toys and think, "Hey, I made this."

   I am thinking people with Bulimia like KFC because it comes with a bucket!

   Too many people confuse "justice" with "revenge."

   First Michael Jackson and now Neil Armstrong.I see god is no fan of moon-walkers.

   Dear Rain, thanks for washing away the yellow flower sperm that "skeeted" on everything.

   What if there were no hypothetical questions?

   Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve bottles of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

   Kim Jong il last words. "Hey, you're Chuck Nor....."

   How can you tell when your wife is dead? Well the sex is pretty much the same but the dishes start piling up.

   dear GPS, please add an, "avoid ghetto" option.

   So Sarah Palin is endorsing Donald Trump. This just gets better and better doesn't it?