Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Woke up naked in a Quick Lube. I'm on the lift. No sign of my car. This can't be good.

   wants to be in a relationship with Captain Morgan and live on Parrot Bay

   There's gotta be a better use for the part of my brain that remembers every word to "Baby Got Back."

   Oh the weather outside is frightful, but my scotch is so delightful

   starting to think that Santa's just not that into me...

   The Socialist just endorsed the Corrupt Socialist for President.

   Thousands protest election of Donald Trump in the streets while millions celebrate the election of Donald Trump quietly at home

   I doubt most of these rioters even remember all of the amazing riots and protest violence that happened when President Obama was elected President ..... Oh wait ... there weren't any .... Ever.

   I finally quit eating pizza for good, now I only eat pizza for evil.

   "We have smaller, secret pants that we wear under our normal pants..." - me explaining underwear to aliens.

   Some life lessons are so profound; you only need to do them one time. Putting Icy Hot on my balls, for example …

   My Dad just called to give me the "I'm worried about your drinking" talk. We are going to meet-up and discuss it over a few beers.

   “Nevermind.” Translation... You should’ve listened the first time.

   I'm running out of ways to not hit people.

   Maroon 5's song "Payphone" - my kids heard that song and asked, what's a payphone?

   I bet black unicorns have the biggest horns.

   Alcohol is the worst thing in the world... My friend had a lot last night and ended up saying - "I love you" to his Own Wife !!!

   it poontang or puddingtang?.....I need to know real fast this English Composition is due today!!!

   If you have time to update your status after your wedding, you're doing it wrong.

   Apple is suing the family of Sir Isaac Newton. On the grounds he had no right using the apple to prove the theory of gravity.