Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My life has a superb cast... I just can't figure out the plot.

   There's no room for demons when your self possessed.

   Don't you miss the times when your parents were your favorite people in the world? When boys, drama, and nothing else mattered to you except how to avoid naptime? I know I do

   It's hotter than the devils fart outside!

   Don't worry... I'm a doctor on the Internet.

   Yes, I admit it. I want to see the Dalai Lama arm wrestle the Pope...

   With all due of respect, I would love to be able to walk up to you and offer you a big, nice cup of shut the f*** up.

   I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.

   I woke up this morning to find 2 beautiful girls and my husband staring at me. I felt like prey for a brief moment.

   How the heck do you have 1,560 facebook friends? with 45 phone contacts? am I missing something here

   Today, I saw a Proactive commercial with Justin Bieber as the spokesperson. Don't you have to go through puberty to have acne?

   People always tell me that I should follow my dreams. Last night, I had that dream where I was in school, but I was naked in front of the whole class. Off I go! I might need bail money.

   I have a cold. it makes my voice sound like a sexy pirate."

   Cool slogan for the new Facebook movie: "See it with someone you never talked to in high school."

   The A/C in my office isn't working and has now officially become an employee.

   loves a man in uniform, unless he's in my rearview mirror.

   Funny how people get easily buzzed about the new iphone and droid phones. Meanwhile, China and Japan are sitting back laughing at us with their better (possible) 5G phones.

   Woke up naked in a Quick Lube. I'm on the lift. No sign of my car. This can't be good.

   wants to be in a relationship with Captain Morgan and live on Parrot Bay

   There's gotta be a better use for the part of my brain that remembers every word to "Baby Got Back."