Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Please don't dress like a slut unless you're really a slut...It's very confusing to us guys.

   The doctor said I may have a strained abdominal muscle which is cool because that means I have an abdominal muscle

   walk dead fans. ever notice that the grass out side is never high. so do zombies mow the grass when they are not eating brains. I dont mow my grass for 2 weeks and I cant see out my living room window.

   Women that cheat on their man with his best friend are the sluts of the earth.

   Today is the American Thanksgiving or as we in Canada like to call it...Thursday. Happy Thanksgiving you funny people...

   If I ever get a vasectomy, I'm going to ask the doctor if they can make it so that, everytime I ejaculate, a little flag pops out that say “BAM!”

   Unfortunately, there was a lot more camel toe than mistletoe at the office Christmas party last night.

   I've always pictured myself taking selfies.

   If more people carried guns the bad guys would get off fewer shots.

   Well, well, well...look who's come crawling back,,, asking me to repair the tire on their wheelchair.

   Nothing says "I'm stubborn" like owning a BlackBerry in 2015

   It's so cold out by the time I walked to the car, the footlong I got at Subway was on a 6 incher.

   .... Please tell me more about how YOU came to OUR country and now YOU want US to change OUR traditions because THEY offend YOU and YOU want US to change to suit YOU and YOUR ways. What if I told YOU ... It's YOU that NEEDS to CHANGE ungrateful Dumbass!!

   May the pillow be cooler on the other side ...RIP Stuart Scott

   I'll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.

   I ran out of Anti-Depressants, so I'm drinking my bottle of No More Tears Shampoo.

   Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, "I don't know. I don't speak Chinese."... Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.

   I want to start an electric company called Grayskull so that millions of homes can be run by the power of Grayskull.

   An apple a day keeps the doctor away... so does having no medical insurance!

   If you were to lose your left arm your right one would be left.