Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know it's getting bad when the voices in your head start texting you

   If you watch Jaws backwards, its about a shark who throws up so many people, they have to open a beach.

   I don't think people like the hugs I dish out. They say its weird during mid hug when I whisper in their ear..."Just relax and spread that hug all over me".

   Two tips for faster jogging (1) hot guy in front of you; (2) creepy dude behind you

   Taking a looooooong time to get up today. I think If people were meant to pop out of bed, we'd all sleep in toasters.

   I don't believe in neither the Democratic party nor the Republican party. I just believe in parties.

   If you are not screwed up in the head in some type of way, the chances of us being really close friends are slim.

   why have a guy with a six pack, when the guy with a keg brings the most fun?

   A beer bottle may not be shaped like a Boomerang but it still comes back to me every weekend :-D ;-) :-)

   I really refuse to marry a white woman now. I need to marry someone that when they kill me they get at least a lil jail time.

   relationship without trust is like a car without gas. you can stay in it as long as you want but it won't go anywhere

   Shaq maybe retiring, but his movies will live on forever (in the bargain bin at Wal-Mart).

   In this kind of weather I expected to see more boobs hanging out.

   If two trains leave New York, one heading west at 40mph and the other heading south at 35mph, where are my car keys?

   just depressed:( I mean come on, really who took my crayons?

   The worst thing about drugs is running out...

   Spent two hours trying to lick his elbow...brought back memories of an akward time during puberty

   Bin Laden is probably blending in, the best way he can, driving a taxicab.

   One thing I think the world can agree upon… Any day when you can stay in pajamas the whole day is a good day.

   Lets change the name of Americas Got Talent to America Will Watch Anything.