Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sex, Food, Sleep, & Poops. General male happiness depends on how good these 4 things are at any given time.

   Good thing I formed a secret neighborhood watch. Based on my inventory of my neighbor's trash, there are some weirdo's around me…

   Hey, sorry I missed your call. I saw your name on the caller ID and I didn't want to ruin my day by talking to you.

   I've never stolen a kiss, but I've paid for a relationship.

   What a rip-off! I picked up a book called 101 Mating Positions. It turned out to be a book on chess.

   Some people dream of success, others are awake & work hard at it.

   So what's the best wine to bring to a job interview? Does anybody know? I got an interview tomorrow morning.

   Cuddled up to my girlfriend last night, she said, “Aw you finally chose me over Facebook!” I just didn't have the heart to tell her my battery just died.

   People with beards apparently have something to hide. Femininity for example, if they are a woman.

   Let’s argue about the little things that don’t matter so we can avoid the big things that do.

   I waterboard my girlfriends until they tell me what's wrong.

   Maybe the black smoke simply means they need a new chimney sweep.

   The only thing instant glue sticks to instantly is fingers.

   I'm lonely, but not 'talk to people' lonely.

   Ask your wife if she's done talking,,,, and you've just GUARANTEED she's not..... Ask me how I know,,,,

   does not see the justification why we often have to deal with temporary inconveniences that are created by permanently incompetent minds..

   The only real reason I would want a daughter, would be to punch a teenage boy in the face.

   OK, the coast is clear; you can stop acting normal now.

   As a kid my Mom would remind me that you can get killed crossing the street. At some point it sounded like a suggestion.

   I didn't see a friend's day video of Ross, Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, Joey, & Chandler