Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.

   IS: We are reluctantly laying off all suicide bombers , due to insufficient crowd sizes.

   I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe

   Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.

   Remember when eating tide pods was considered crazy

   I read somewhere that people in the Middle Ages celebrated the end of the plague with orgies. I wonder if anyone has planned anything after this epidemic?

   Time to take off you Hoser. God speed Bob and Doug Mckenzie

   I can usually figure out many parties I've been to lately by counting the extra lighters I woke up with in my pocket.

   A word to the wise ain't necessary it's the stupid ones that need the advice

   apperently the world is ending today.....just got my surf gear ready....just in case that tsunami decides to come.....have to ride that shyt before I die :D......LOL

   A fool is a wise man's ladder.

   Our inner demons would get along wonderfully.

   I have the need for speed...and $125 for this ticket.

   "There are no stupid questions" - People who have never tried to watch football with their girlfriends.

   TIME SAVING TIP: Don't bother

   Sometimes I look at all this cool stuff I own and realise that I probably wouldn't have any of it if I was married.

   i wish my bottle of vodka could cuddle back :/

   Sex, Food, Sleep, & Poops. General male happiness depends on how good these 4 things are at any given time.

   Good thing I formed a secret neighborhood watch. Based on my inventory of my neighbor's trash, there are some weirdo's around me…

   Hey, sorry I missed your call. I saw your name on the caller ID and I didn't want to ruin my day by talking to you.