Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If Santa Claus had a FB account,,,, none of us would get presents.

   Putin has an 82% approval rating. The other 18% will be dead soon.

   The only person excited to find out about Hillary's Body Double is Bill Clinton.

   I always close my eyes when I kiss a girl .... Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a heck of a lot more pepper spray in them.

   Do we lazy people go to hell OR do they send someone to pick us up?

   Apparently you will need a firearm license before purchasing the Note 7 replacement

   I work as a waiter. The pay isn’t great but I put food on the table.

   For the past month I have woken up to find hundreds of flowers with no heads all over my doorstep, garden and drive. I think I’m being stalked

   No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you'll get at the way people park in the real word.

   Just saw a lady walking down the street who looked like she was made out of 80% boot and 20% scarf.

   I can usually figure out many parties I've been to lately by counting the extra lighters I woke up with in my pocket.

   A word to the wise ain't necessary it's the stupid ones that need the advice

   apperently the world is ending today.....just got my surf gear ready....just in case that tsunami decides to come.....have to ride that shyt before I die :D......LOL

   A fool is a wise man's ladder.

   Our inner demons would get along wonderfully.

   I have the need for speed...and $125 for this ticket.

   "There are no stupid questions" - People who have never tried to watch football with their girlfriends.

   TIME SAVING TIP: Don't bother

   Sometimes I look at all this cool stuff I own and realise that I probably wouldn't have any of it if I was married.

   i wish my bottle of vodka could cuddle back :/