Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Parents, do your job, and quit having other people make your decisions for you. Buy your damn kids a dog without posting for likes. -The Whole Damn Internet

   I won't lie, I'd pay top dollar to just see Katy Perry work a jackhammer for a few minutes.

   I refuse to celebrate Earth Day until Wind & Fire are recognized.

   I feel like every episode of Cops was filmed in June of 1993.

   My middle finger seems to get more exercise on Monday than any other day of the week.

   Wonders if Johnny Manziel realized when he signed up to be an Aggie that A&M stands for Agricultural & Mechanical, Not Autographs & Money.

   Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve..

   How about a cooking show called "Cookin crap in the Microwave".

   Ladies; Don't be a woman with teenage problems!

   Me watching olympics: oh wow, that was impressive! Announcer: ANOTHER DISASTROUS MISTAKE!

   Now that the Olympics are over, Michael Phelps can finally be released back to his natural habitat; the couch with a bong.

   Hurt my back while sleeping last night in case you're wondering how I'd do running a marathon.

   eff you Martha Stewart, and your sanctimonious Everyday Food magazine too! Easy to make cookies my ass!

   dont be afraid of the dark, be afraid of whats in the dark....

   going to make his new years resolution to procrastinate more, but he is going to wait until next year

   When you feel neglected think of a mother salmon who lays 3,000,000 eggs and no one remembers her on Mother's Day

   recommends staying away from Camp Crystal Lake today.

   Apparently while handling guns in the hunting department at Walmart, it's not a good idea to ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are

   Whenever I see signs that say ‘slow pedestrians' or ‘slow children playing' I can't help but picture people in helmets playing in the street.

   I found the key to success, only to discover that the door was never locked.