Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think there should be a special place in hell for whoever invented those strings of Christmas lights that wont work at all or blink half assed because one damn bulb is blown!

   If my wife thinks making me sleep on the couch is a punishment, she's going to feel so dumb when she sees this badass fort I made.

   The absolute best way to get revenge is to sit back and watch while people destroy their own lives just by being themselves.

   Dear Parents, do your job, and quit having other people make your decisions for you. Buy your damn kids a dog without posting for likes. -The Whole Damn Internet

   I won't lie, I'd pay top dollar to just see Katy Perry work a jackhammer for a few minutes.

   I refuse to celebrate Earth Day until Wind & Fire are recognized.

   I feel like every episode of Cops was filmed in June of 1993.

   My middle finger seems to get more exercise on Monday than any other day of the week.

   Wonders if Johnny Manziel realized when he signed up to be an Aggie that A&M stands for Agricultural & Mechanical, Not Autographs & Money.

   Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve..

   How about a cooking show called "Cookin crap in the Microwave".

   Ladies; Don't be a woman with teenage problems!

   Me watching olympics: oh wow, that was impressive! Announcer: ANOTHER DISASTROUS MISTAKE!

   Now that the Olympics are over, Michael Phelps can finally be released back to his natural habitat; the couch with a bong.

   Hurt my back while sleeping last night in case you're wondering how I'd do running a marathon.

   eff you Martha Stewart, and your sanctimonious Everyday Food magazine too! Easy to make cookies my ass!

   dont be afraid of the dark, be afraid of whats in the dark....

   going to make his new years resolution to procrastinate more, but he is going to wait until next year

   When you feel neglected think of a mother salmon who lays 3,000,000 eggs and no one remembers her on Mother's Day

   recommends staying away from Camp Crystal Lake today.