Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They sent my Census form back-AGAIN!!! In response to the question: "Do you have any dependents?" I replied - "12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 8.5 million unemployed people, 7 million in prisons; millions in every state collecting.

   My wife hates it when she blows me a kiss around family and I catch it then pull down my pants and put it on my butthole.

   That moment when you realize you can’t ignore someones message on Facebook anymore because it shows that you’ve read it.

   I can explain the State of America in three words " Honey Boo Boo "

   I asked a cow if it had a beef with me. We both laughed and laughed and then I ate it.

   Just pulled on a nose hair super hard & one of my pubes disappeared.

   used to jog a mile everyday, then I found a shortcut...

   A woman who does not like sex has no business getting into relationships. Stay on the sidelines and be a spectator.

   wondering why people are giving me cards on MLK day saying "my bad"....

   the funny thing about this message is that one you realize its pointless its too late to stop ;)

   I love it when the person's laugh is funnier than the actual joke.

   proof that God has a sense of humor...

   Does Joel Osteen give anyone else the creeps or is it just me?

   Can't find Sesame Street on his GPS. Can you tell me how to get there?

   You dont have to believe in your government to be a good American you just have to believe in your country

   If you are that a$$hole that honks the second the light turns green , I'm the sumb1tch that will sit there and update my Facebook.

   SWEARING: because sometimes "gosh darn-it" and "meanie head" just don't cut it

   Ever want to say IDK without sounding stupid? Say this: I hesitate to articulate in fear I may deviate upon the highest degree of accuracy.

   I respect the person who let girls into the army. Girl on period + gun = unstoppable

   The best reply when someone texts you,"K." : Well Potassium to you too, you b@stard.