Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Winter Weather: where a couple of inches will keep a woman in bed all day.

   : OK, I didn't get what I want for Xmas.... I'm coming after you FAT MAN IN A RED SUIT!!! And don't think I'm not gonna egg your sleigh either!

   I'm all for saving the planet, but recycling jokes doesn't help...

   I need hospital etiquette advice here guys. How long should you wait after they pull the plug to ask if you can use the socket to charge your phone?

   Occasionally, I like to go to walmart, buy a jar of Vaseline, a cucumber and a Bottle of Gin and wink at the cashier

   Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Other times we just snuggle.

   I hate when I’m comfortable in bed and I forget my iPhone in the other room!

   Regardless of the results of today's election, I think we can all agree Ann Coulter will say something really stupid about it.

   What if black people have been gold this whole time???

   I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.

   Oh, come on.. Who among us hasn't checked African American on an application?

   “Wow, this relationship is really rocky. I bet a wedding and baby will solve everything!” - Women logic.

   A Polish Olympian won a a gold medal for the speed skating. He's going to have it bronzed.

   I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

   now enemies with you and 5 other people.

   says a lot of Democrats are standing behind Congressman Weiner, not because they support his cause, they are simply afraid what would happen to them if they stood in front him.

   got a phone call asking to donate clothes for the starving people of the world..I laughed so hard I cried..if they can fit in my clothes they ain't starvin'!

   Her legs spread so easily...I can't believe its not butter...

   Once you go big, you'll never go twig!

   Decided to get in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich!