Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Sleep Number bed commercial came on & the spokeswoman asked "So what's YOUR sleep number?" I hollered out "80 proof."

   apparently my wife and I weren't on the same page with what she wanted for Mother's Day. Who knew there was more than one kind of "facial"?

   Every time I give up something for Lent... my friends encourage me to break it... When I give up alcohol, they buy me drinks... when I give up sweets, they bring me candy... so this year I am giving up sleeping with women...

   my favorite recipe calls for 2 cups of bacon, a tablespoon of bacon, and a dash of bacon.

   Why do they waste so much money on all the checkout lanes at Walmart, when they only have two of them open at any given time.

   Bad things happen to good people, so I'm pretty sure we're all safe

   It only takes a second to show a person how much you feel about them. The police call it indecent exposure, but whatever...

   Few things stress me out as much as a waiter who doesn't write the order down.

   Cool Facts: Music can help reduce chronic pain by more than 20% and can alleviate depression by up to 25%. Unless you listen to Adelle... then all bets are off!

   Problems in your relationship? There's a blow job for that.

   The reality is men have no idea what women want... and women have no idea what women want

   Jack "THE" Ripper and Winnie "THE" Pooh have the same middle name. Coincidence? I think not...

   Whatever Dude..I say That By eating this vodka with a spoon it officially becomes a soup and is therefore healthy..... So Kiss Off

   You only live once, so don't forget to spend 16 hours every day on the internet, desperately searching for the validation of strangers.

   Camping - Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes

   There is no way I'm getting my wife a gun because there is no way I'm not getting shot with that gun. Buying my wife a gun is sort of like me saying, 'You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise.

   What's with this latest trend of using a picture of your child as a profile pic? Makes it seem as though 65% of my friends are under three years old.

   I call my bedroom 'the place where the magic happens' because it's where I make my self-respect disappear.

   it's ok if you disagree with me, I can't force you to be right.

   When I don't know the answer, I never say "I don't know", because that will make me seem stupid. Instead I say "I hesitate to factually articulate in fear I may deviate upon the highest degree of accuracy."