Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Think of a number between 0 and 20. Add 40 to it. Multiply by 2. Subtract 3. Now close your eyes.... It's dark isn't it?

   After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing

   Dear Kanye, Roses are Red, Voilets are Blue, If Justin Bieber wins an AMA, you know what to do!

   Breaking news! Colin Kaepernick spotted working at a McDonald’s in Northern California!

   Mike, Who, Cheese, Harry ~ say it faster

   In the movie 2012 the first thing that flooded was New York and now it is 2012 and New York is flooding. Just saying. !!

   My ex got run over by a bus today,,,,, I thought, "WOW,That could have been me!"...... But then again , I don't have a bus drivers license.

   My three favorite shows about murderers are Dexter, Hannibal, and SportsCenter.

   I'm a man. I've loved beautiful women. I've beaten other men in fist fights. But when my mama says she's proud of me, I'm 5 years old again.

   Those people who try to tear you down are just pissed that they can't reach you where you are standing.

   I'm writing a thanksgiving cookbook called "50 shades of gravy."

   I am painting a blue square in the backyard, so google earth thinks I have a pool!

   How do they fit so many islands into such a small bottle of dressing??!!

   "Dude, She Called You Poor!" "OH HELL NO, Hold My Food Stamps"

   Instead of LOL, try SALTS ( smiled a little, then stopped)

   Raining cats and dogs.....Why can't it rain cougars amd beavers?

   Would stiff nipples be a good name for my air conditioning company?

   It's the most... wonderful time... for a beer.

   At the beach life is different. Time doesn't move hour to hour but mood to moment. We live by the currents, plan by the tides and follow the sun.

   ladies... dont forget about cervical cancer awareness day today.