Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you're good looking and you know it click the 'LIKE' button.

   I'm beginning to suspect the only reason I'm not hungover is because I'm still drunk.

   after watching "The Walking Dead" premiere tonight on AMC. I'm going to dream about zombies tonight. Its okay becasue with my skills I'm sure I'll be the zombies nightmare.

   Advice for the day: If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

   refuses to vacuum anymore until they make a ride-on

   It does'nt matter how hot she is,,, there is someone else out there who is sick of her $h!t

   My super power is leaving a party without saying goodbye to anyone.

   I like to finish all of my drive thru orders with, "And that's for here."

   It's only a matter of time before "Security Cameras of Wal-mart" becomes a reality show.

   Only a person with a drug problem will get mad at you for trying to hand them a hamburger instead of the money they ask you for to buy a hamburger.

   We still don't know sh*t about that airplane. - NEWS

   Sticks and stones, break my bones, but hollow points expand on impact!

   Subway's new slogan should be "Eat fresh, but not TOO fresh."

   "Update the force, Luke"....... *Adobe Wan Kenobi

   Finding out Charlie Sheen tested positive for HIV is like finding out Bob Marley tested positive for marijuana.

   Women are the most common legal drug...They give you the best highs, the worst lows, and they are so, so addictive...

   Women always say they can do whatever a man can do. I bet they can't tuck their balls between their legs.

   I think The Timeline went a bit too far when it posted a photo of me being conceived!!!!!

   Put a viàgrã pill in your fuel tank...atleast the fuel indicator will stay up !! :D

   My new favorite way to flip people off is to put my middle finger to my forehead and say, "Look, I'm a Unicorn!" Yup. I'm that mature.