Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ugh my girlfriend is taking forever to exist!

   Forget waterboarding... I'm ready to tell this damn popcorn kernel stuck in my tooth everything it wants to know

   When I'm bored I like to put on my red polo shirt and khakis, then storm into the nearest Target and quit.

   I came, I saw, I cleared the browser history.

   For such an advanced civilization, how the hell have we not found a way to stop cigarettes from making you smell like a dragon’s f art?

   Business Plan: 1. Hold sign that says "Free Hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it's $50 to let go"

   It’s a good thing cows can’t talk. Imagine them telling you at every available opportunity that they are vegans.

   The amount of times I've tried to stick my key in other people's locks just to see if it fits is probably the reason I wasn't given a d*ck

   Why be full of hate when you can be full of pizza?

   I just told a girl I loved her. Well, I didn't actually say it. And it wasn't actually a girl. Ok, fine, I was eating a Pizza and moaned a little.

   Two of the three times I've jumped out of a moving car, Creed was on the radio. The other time my grandma entered the freeway the wrong way.

   I'm sorry, I don't see why you can't have a crack house AND have it tastefully decorated.

   There is a US volleyball player named Destiny Hooker. Apparently her parents were wrong.

   Got to the bottom of the mountain of laundry and found my favorite sock I thought the dryer ate. Raising both fists in the air and giving a Gladiatorial roar of victory I soon discovered that I just washed my wallet.....

   Ladies,,, How do I work my man boobs and get out of a ticket?.. Quick,, The lady patrol officer's coming..

   I am going to walk over and start shaving my b@lls at the cubicle of the next person that clips their nails at work.

   Cool things always happen when I don't have a camera.

   Every time I think I finally have the life I always dreamed of....I wake up.

   Single life might be lonely, but at least I'm always with my favorite person

   Man: What would you do if I win the lotto? Wife: I will take half and leave you! Man: Here is your $7 now F off