Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Saw A bumper sticker that said "Fat People Are Harder To Kidnap" not sure if he was a proud fat man or a disgruntled kidnapper though.

   People assume when I yawn that I've lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.

   It's a well known fact... buying cheap toilet-paper can lead to a self violation.

   The first person you think of in the morning or last person you think of in the night is either the cause of your happiness or your pain

   Definition of laziness : It's a talent of taking rest before you get tired..........coz prevention is better than cure

   Ugh my girlfriend is taking forever to exist!

   Forget waterboarding... I'm ready to tell this damn popcorn kernel stuck in my tooth everything it wants to know

   When I'm bored I like to put on my red polo shirt and khakis, then storm into the nearest Target and quit.

   I came, I saw, I cleared the browser history.

   For such an advanced civilization, how the hell have we not found a way to stop cigarettes from making you smell like a dragon’s f art?

   Business Plan: 1. Hold sign that says "Free Hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it's $50 to let go"

   It’s a good thing cows can’t talk. Imagine them telling you at every available opportunity that they are vegans.

   The amount of times I've tried to stick my key in other people's locks just to see if it fits is probably the reason I wasn't given a d*ck

   Why be full of hate when you can be full of pizza?

   I just told a girl I loved her. Well, I didn't actually say it. And it wasn't actually a girl. Ok, fine, I was eating a Pizza and moaned a little.

   Two of the three times I've jumped out of a moving car, Creed was on the radio. The other time my grandma entered the freeway the wrong way.

   I'm sorry, I don't see why you can't have a crack house AND have it tastefully decorated.

   There is a US volleyball player named Destiny Hooker. Apparently her parents were wrong.

   Got to the bottom of the mountain of laundry and found my favorite sock I thought the dryer ate. Raising both fists in the air and giving a Gladiatorial roar of victory I soon discovered that I just washed my wallet.....

   Ladies,,, How do I work my man boobs and get out of a ticket?.. Quick,, The lady patrol officer's coming..