Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I sure could help a lot of needy people if I won the big Powerball draw. Mainly sales people needing a commission, but still...

   I don't why they shot that gorilla at the Cincinnati Zoo. He was doing a better job at watching that lady's kid than she was.

   .... If gun control worked then Chicago should have transformed itself into Mayberry by now.

   Finding a girlfriend isn't difficult...Finding a girl that you WANT as a girlfriend is where things get tricky.

   I told my kids that if they are old enough to fertilize eggs, we aren't going to color eggs for easter.

   all of my recipes for success end up with me on the floor eating cheese

   A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.

   The government shut down because of spending money he dont have- thats called bankruptcy and foreclosure.

   I just spent our "Halloween Candy" money on a couple of cases of Samuel Adams OctoberFest beer. I hope the trick-or-treaters are happy with some of the Sweet'N Low packets and Bounce Fabric Softener sheets that they are getting this year.

   My posts offend you??... Well,, You're probably the same person that said cookie monster made your kid fat... Or Pluto wasn't a planet..

   Don’t start an argument with a girl because they all have 300,500,192 GB memories and will bring up something you did at 10:29PM on 22/05/2003

   I'm giving up picking my belly button for Lint

   I just realized something. Rosie O'Donnell reminds me of a circus bear in a pantsuit.

   .... Hmmmm .... I think I just discovered Newton’s third law of Emotion: ..... "For every male action, there is an equal and opposite female overreaction."

   Today's Pet Peeve: Overachieving seat belts.

   Ladies: Anything is a d ildo if you're brave enough

   Johnny Manziel joins Cleveland Browns... is sacked three times trying to get off the stage....

   I took a poll recently, and 100% of strippers were angry they had nothing to dance on.

   I take great pride in the fact that I've never wasted time in playing stupid games like Candy Crush

   I tried to open a can of WhoopAss,, but it popped like a can of biscuits and scared me.