Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remember a couple years ago when everybody thought Tom Cruise was losing his marbles? Looks like Charlie Sheen has set the new standard for celiberty craziness .Better tell Oprah to hide the couch.

   Having sex is like doing FRACTIONS... It's IMPROPER for the larger one to be on top

   If your girlfriend spend most of her free time watching "Law and Order" "CSI" "The First 48" "Dexter" and "Snapped"...Do yourself a big favor and go buy her flowers...

   Abercrombie and Fitch telling the Jersey Shore Cast that wearing their brand makes the brand look scuzzy is a lot like Lindsay Lohan telling Paris Hilton that her partying antics make talentless famous starlets look like trash.

   If anyone wants to donate money for Hurricane Irene, make check out to me, so I can assist beachfront bars in recovering from their loss of income. Cash is also accepted.

   Marijuana is illegal....but so is the music on your iPod

   Ladies, I can either play with your heart or with your boobs. Its your choice.

   I just read where the SEAL team that popped Bin Laden was based in Virginia Beach. So his big surprise at the end wasn't 72 virgins, it was 24 Virginians. Adios you ahole. Tell Saddan we send our regards and save a spot at the table for Gaddafi.

   Tip on getting a raise at work: Every day eat a cup-a-noodle soup for lunch and make sure to mention how you need to save half, because you know you will be hungry tomorrow.

   With all the botched executions lately, it has been suggested that we bring back the guillotine. But if we do that I'm sure heads will roll.

   Neighbors just complained about the sex noise coming from our house last night. Well, the jokes on them cause I wasn't even home last night.

   I tried to log on to the Obamacare website today. I don’t think I'm doing it right. I lost 300 bucks playing Texas Hold 'Em.

   I can always tell who hates their spouse by how much they post about loving their spouse...

   I knew my Girl was cheating on me when she said she was at the mall with Chelsea but Chelsea was laying right next to me. SMH

   My girlfriend likes sticking her breasts in my face, then asking for something really expensive. She inevitably gets what she wants! This, my friends, is what's known as a booby trap!

   Billy has 16 slices of Bacon and Tommy takes 50%......What does Tommy have................A stump......Tommy has a stump

   I don’t understand why Walmart has a problem with me bringing my dog in the store. He’s better behaved, smells better, and less likely to take a crap on the floor than 95% of the people here.

   It'd be hilarious to release a gorilla in a gorilla suit at the mall and see the look on security's face when they pull off the mask.

   A fun way to freak out a friend who's engaged is to suddenly take her fiancé's last name & then tag yourself in all of her Facebook photos.

   if you think your job sucks, try being the guy who tests rectal thermometers.