Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Marijuana is illegal....but so is the music on your iPod

   Ladies, I can either play with your heart or with your boobs. Its your choice.

   I just read where the SEAL team that popped Bin Laden was based in Virginia Beach. So his big surprise at the end wasn't 72 virgins, it was 24 Virginians. Adios you ahole. Tell Saddan we send our regards and save a spot at the table for Gaddafi.

   Tip on getting a raise at work: Every day eat a cup-a-noodle soup for lunch and make sure to mention how you need to save half, because you know you will be hungry tomorrow.

   With all the botched executions lately, it has been suggested that we bring back the guillotine. But if we do that I'm sure heads will roll.

   Neighbors just complained about the sex noise coming from our house last night. Well, the jokes on them cause I wasn't even home last night.

   I tried to log on to the Obamacare website today. I don’t think I'm doing it right. I lost 300 bucks playing Texas Hold 'Em.

   I can always tell who hates their spouse by how much they post about loving their spouse...

   I knew my Girl was cheating on me when she said she was at the mall with Chelsea but Chelsea was laying right next to me. SMH

   My girlfriend likes sticking her breasts in my face, then asking for something really expensive. She inevitably gets what she wants! This, my friends, is what's known as a booby trap!

   Billy has 16 slices of Bacon and Tommy takes 50%......What does Tommy have................A stump......Tommy has a stump

   I don’t understand why Walmart has a problem with me bringing my dog in the store. He’s better behaved, smells better, and less likely to take a crap on the floor than 95% of the people here.

   It'd be hilarious to release a gorilla in a gorilla suit at the mall and see the look on security's face when they pull off the mask.

   A fun way to freak out a friend who's engaged is to suddenly take her fiancé's last name & then tag yourself in all of her Facebook photos.

   if you think your job sucks, try being the guy who tests rectal thermometers.

   Feelin tired today,,, I was up All night,,, See,I got into this book,, and couldn't put it down,,, Yeah,, Ended up goin thru ALL my crayons...

   Some of you ladies need to take it easy on the make up. You look like you were the first person to pass out at an Avon party...

   Sometimes when i'm following a recipe and it says to bake at 350 degrees, I will turn it up to 355 just to be a rebel. don't be hatin!

   please let me blow it before you stick it in. (classic nintendo cartridge)

   If you can throw a brick, liquor stores are open 24 hours.