Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dang girl,, Are you a Snickers bar? Because you're so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly long lasting,, hold up,,,, are those nuts?

   Three biggest tragedies in a mans life...Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't..

   Had Mexican for dinner last night and just used a BP restroom. Let's just say we're almost even.

   Dear Maths, All my life you made me find your X !!! Listen buddy...She's not coming back....So please move on!!! Regards, Frustrated Student

   Why did God create man first? So he wouldn't have to be told how to do it.

   Justin Bieber denies the pregnancy rumours saying there is no way he could be pregnant because he has been on the pill for the past year.

   Now that she's running for President, US voters should remember that they cannot trust Hillary Clinton to create jobs. The last time she had a meaningful job, she outsourced it to Monica Lewinsky... ... and Monica blew it.

   PRO TIP: Not resisting arrest greatly reduces your chances of being sh●t by 100%.

   I will not sleep until I find a cure for my insomnia.

   it called NASCAR because that's the way a hillbilly pronounces "nice car?"

   Covers on, too hot. Covers off, too cold. One foot out would prolly be ok, but I don't wanna be dragged from bed paranormal activity style.

   I will never understand the physics behind british people losing their accents when they sing.

   I just figured out my taxes & I have to pay.. But I have to do my part.. Otherwise some guy who paid no taxes in the 1st place wouldn't get a refund.

   If adult diapers are called Depends, then baby diapers should be called Definitely

   If your name is on the building, you’re rich; if your name is on your desk, you’re middle-class; if your name is on your shirt, you’re poor.

   Wife is forcing me to sit through the Country Music Awards. This is my suicide note.

   I'm afraid if Trump wins he'll leave us for a younger, prettier country...

   Why were police firing tear gas at rioters in Ferguson when they could have been firing job applications at them?

   "What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter"

   you know I love you like a fat kid loves cake.. But i'm on a diet