Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Justin Bieber denies the pregnancy rumours saying there is no way he could be pregnant because he has been on the pill for the past year.

   Now that she's running for President, US voters should remember that they cannot trust Hillary Clinton to create jobs. The last time she had a meaningful job, she outsourced it to Monica Lewinsky... ... and Monica blew it.

   PRO TIP: Not resisting arrest greatly reduces your chances of being sh●t by 100%.

   I will not sleep until I find a cure for my insomnia.

   it called NASCAR because that's the way a hillbilly pronounces "nice car?"

   Covers on, too hot. Covers off, too cold. One foot out would prolly be ok, but I don't wanna be dragged from bed paranormal activity style.

   I will never understand the physics behind british people losing their accents when they sing.

   I just figured out my taxes & I have to pay.. But I have to do my part.. Otherwise some guy who paid no taxes in the 1st place wouldn't get a refund.

   If adult diapers are called Depends, then baby diapers should be called Definitely

   If your name is on the building, you’re rich; if your name is on your desk, you’re middle-class; if your name is on your shirt, you’re poor.

   Wife is forcing me to sit through the Country Music Awards. This is my suicide note.

   I'm afraid if Trump wins he'll leave us for a younger, prettier country...

   Why were police firing tear gas at rioters in Ferguson when they could have been firing job applications at them?

   "What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter"

   you know I love you like a fat kid loves cake.. But i'm on a diet

   If you're not using your grownup powers to occasionally do something your child-self would have found awesome, then what's the point?

   Wondering if Snookie's parents have a bumper sticker that says, "Our daughter is a slut on Jersey Shore" or "Our Slut can beat up your Slut!"

   Facebook is going to start making high school reunions really awkward."John! I haven't seen you in ten years! Wow, what have you been up to since that nap you took at 3 o'clock this afternoon?"..

   Auctioneers are proof that white guys could rap if they wanted to

   Do you know any jokes about sodium? Na