Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry, I'm not tall enough to ride your emotional roller coaster ...

   Wanted to wear something less restricting to work today so I went with granny panties and a Snuggie and that's why I'm in HR this morning.

   Walmart is a Zoo for people.

   Why is that when a girl says, "I'm going to die alone," it elicits sympathetic awws, but when I say it people just nod uncomfortably...

   Yes, the carpet does match the drapes but all the furniture is from Goodwill.

   Let me in, Let me in, Let me in! I need to go back out again!----My Dog!

   I decorated my bedroom to look like a classroom so I can fall asleep faster!

   Friday instantly puts you in a good mood...

   I hate it when I am hosting a pool party at my neighbors' house and they come home early from their vacation.

   Panic over. you can sleep safe in your beds. I've sent Kim Jong a McDonalds Happy Meal & he's calmed down.

   Can't someone put these Kartrashians on a leash and chain them to a pole?

   I never got the expression "complete idiot". Is there an Incomplete version?

   Just an observation but.....I believe this exotic dancer might make a little more money if she would wax her mustache

   Marriage, because your suffering doesnt have to end at work.

   If you wanna be stabbed or threatened every time you don't perform well in bed, get a latino woman.

   I hate when people asks me: What happened to the sweet old you? Well B**chhhes like you killed it!!

   i must be part zombie because i've been looking for a woman with brains

   I hate how after an argument I think of more clever things I should have said...

   The words that make you remember every bad thing you've ever done in your life = "I need to talk to you."

   "if people say something BAD about you, JUDGE you as if they know you,don't easily get affected by this .Remember this, DOGS bark if they don't know the person"