Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Technically they're not prostitutes if you refuse to pay them.

   If you think your cat loves you, just remember it would probably yawn and go to sleep while watching you getting murdered with a rake

   You guys can make all your Manti jokes, but let’s not lose sight of the fact that somebody who never existed is dead.

   A shout out to all of the beautiful women who don't need to dress trashy to attract a man..... But party at my place for all those who do

   The worst thing about admitting you're an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.

   The Lakers fired Mike Brown They should now Hire Stan Van Gundy just to see Dwight Howards face.

   Fortune Cookie: Woman who go fishing with six men...go home with red snapper.

   Always be yourself, unless you can be Batman, always be Batman.

   It's science. It's meant to confuse stupid people

   Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and some b itch will tell him he's doing it wrong.

   okay...so Harlem Shake is not a rich Arab!!!

   Interest in the Bermuda Triangle disappeared. Seems suspicious.

   facebook should have an "I've seen enough" button.

   I wonder if Medusa ever just relaxed and put her snakes back in a ponytail?

   Sorry, I'm not tall enough to ride your emotional roller coaster ...

   Wanted to wear something less restricting to work today so I went with granny panties and a Snuggie and that's why I'm in HR this morning.

   Walmart is a Zoo for people.

   Why is that when a girl says, "I'm going to die alone," it elicits sympathetic awws, but when I say it people just nod uncomfortably...

   Yes, the carpet does match the drapes but all the furniture is from Goodwill.

   Let me in, Let me in, Let me in! I need to go back out again!----My Dog!