Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Leaf blowing while wearing leaf-pattern camouflage. Makes them think I'm one of them, so they won't get suspicious!

   ‎30 Days more......to plan another New Year's resolutions or a new start on old habits!!

   Library of Congress to receive entire twitter archive. Now your great great grandchildren can read about how much you pooped.

   In my own little world, I'm kind of a BIG deal!!

   Nothing that Facebook changes will ever keep me from stalking you.

   i'd give you everything if I knew you wouldn't take it.

   Maybe we didn't even WANT to touch it, M.C. Hammer. Ever think about that, you egomaniac?

   "JESUS CHRIST... HOW BOUT YOU MAKE SOMETHING ELSE BESIDES PANCAKES FOR DINNER FOR ONCE!!!!" - Aunt Jemima's nieces and nephews.

   who was the idiot who made umbrella handles out of metal? it is like making a shark bite suit out of meat..

   Everyone's blessed with an abundance of something. Money, talent, women, friends, family, etc....In my case, it's belly fat.

   Put blue Gatorade in a empty bottle of Windex and walk around the street squirting it into your mouth! Fun times.

   one word answers are the nice way of saying "f*ck you and this conversation"...

   I can tell I'm getting older because I need flaxseed, coffee, fiber supplements, a laptop, an iPod and a smartphone in order to take a poop.

   Do I hate people that ask questions and answer them themselves? Yes, yes I do!!

   If I don't look like I barely survived a natural disaster after we've had sex, you need to try harder.

   Don't worry if you're sad and lonely and having a bad day, the sun is shining anyway because no one cares.

   There are some people we *want* to offend.

   Take your time, because relationships that start fast, end fast.

   To the Kindergarten teacher that I kicked in the shin because I didn't want to take a nap, I am sorry. I was really b!tchy when I dropped my son off.

   How come dumb stuff seems so smart while you're doing it.