Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   High-definition ruined porn for me. I like my p0rn blurry so I can't see butt acne and herp scars.

   I'm putting a goal line around my house to keep Ryan Leaf from getting in.

   I was just at my neighbors house for dinner but I had to leave unexpectedly,,,,,,, they came home.

   There are always two ways to look at things. I prefer to look at them my way.

   Streaking is all fun and games... until the fat one wants to do it.

   I can't think of one nice thing to say about you....a million maybe, but not just one.

   one word answers are the nice way of saying "f*ck you and this conversation"...

   I can tell I'm getting older because I need flaxseed, coffee, fiber supplements, a laptop, an iPod and a smartphone in order to take a poop.

   Do I hate people that ask questions and answer them themselves? Yes, yes I do!!

   Seriously? WTF is it with all the unecessary phone names? ~~> Get the new 4G LTE touch bionic droid x2 razor Evo 3D 8950 by HTC.

   i'd give you everything if I knew you wouldn't take it.

   Maybe we didn't even WANT to touch it, M.C. Hammer. Ever think about that, you egomaniac?

   "JESUS CHRIST... HOW BOUT YOU MAKE SOMETHING ELSE BESIDES PANCAKES FOR DINNER FOR ONCE!!!!" - Aunt Jemima's nieces and nephews.

   who was the idiot who made umbrella handles out of metal? it is like making a shark bite suit out of meat..

   Everyone's blessed with an abundance of something. Money, talent, women, friends, family, etc....In my case, it's belly fat.

   Put blue Gatorade in a empty bottle of Windex and walk around the street squirting it into your mouth! Fun times.

   I'm not a bank but I can tell you that I have 0% interest in what you're saying right now.

   Just saw a guy rollerblading while I was driving. Who rollerblades anymore?! Not that guy because I just hit him with my truck. Allegedly.

   I'm hungry .......I really need to hire a wife.

   My daily workout?........ running late for work