Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You ever look at someone and think that there should've been "one child left behind"?

   It's so hot outside, I bet Jehovah's Witnesses are going to start telemarketing.

   The world lost Steve Jobs about 10 months ago, which makes me think heaven by now must have wifi.

   I'm shocked that Kristen Stewart cheated on Robert Pattinson! Especially, since I don't have any idea who the they are!!!

   My pre-nup will indicate that I'm allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.

   If you don't hate yourself by the time you log off, you're not using the internet correctly.

   Biggest lie I tell myself: "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

   Justin Bieber and Selena have broken...dammit they were my favorite lesbian couple!!

   Whatever...... The kids table is more fun anyway.

   the worst part of being naked is not having pockets

   My room is about as organized as the Walmart $5 DVD bin.

   After exercising I always eat a Pizza. Just Kidding, I don't exercise !!

   The boss said I should let my creative juices flow. What he doesn't know is that my creative juices are vodka and cranberry.

   "What have I done?!!.... EVERYBODY RUN !!" -Creator of the boomerang

   Some people have to learn lessons the hard way. Like with a bat. A bat is hard.

   Tim Burton and Johnny Depp should probably start seeing other people.

   Friends are just people I hate marginally less than everyone else.

   Sometimes it takes me a few tries to get the key in the lock.... So I totally get it you guys.

   They say milk is good for your teeth you know what else is good for your teeth minding your own business lol

   Beer is good. Beers are better.