Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They say that babies do a better job at attracting girls than puppies, so that's why I have this baby on a leash, Officer.

   Every time I almost think humanity will be okay, I see someone struggle with the self-checkout for 20 minutes.

   I HATE people who take drugs. Customs for example.

   No one realizes when someone says, "The last thing I wanna do is hurt you," that basically implies: there is a list, hurting you is on it.

   Not sure how these ducks got into this Starbucks. Or teenage girls. Hard to tell really.

   My closet should be on Hoarders. Fell in looking for second shoe. 45 minutes later I had to cut my left arm off with a plastic hanger.

   You ever look at someone and think that there should've been "one child left behind"?

   It's so hot outside, I bet Jehovah's Witnesses are going to start telemarketing.

   The world lost Steve Jobs about 10 months ago, which makes me think heaven by now must have wifi.

   I'm shocked that Kristen Stewart cheated on Robert Pattinson! Especially, since I don't have any idea who the they are!!!

   My pre-nup will indicate that I'm allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.

   If you don't hate yourself by the time you log off, you're not using the internet correctly.

   Biggest lie I tell myself: "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

   Justin Bieber and Selena have broken...dammit they were my favorite lesbian couple!!

   Whatever...... The kids table is more fun anyway.

   the worst part of being naked is not having pockets

   My room is about as organized as the Walmart $5 DVD bin.

   After exercising I always eat a Pizza. Just Kidding, I don't exercise !!

   The boss said I should let my creative juices flow. What he doesn't know is that my creative juices are vodka and cranberry.

   "What have I done?!!.... EVERYBODY RUN !!" -Creator of the boomerang