Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think, therefore we have nothing in common.

   a valentines day nonbeliever!!!

   I was upset when I heard that Justin Beiber got a haircut because it meant I was gonna have to rearrange my "Top ten things I care least about" list.

   making the 6 Million Dollar Man sound effect as he runs.

   Words will only hurt when you believe them.

   Today's sh!tty attitude is proudly sponsored by the alarm clock.

   Me have safe sex? You kiddin? My girlfriends idea of safe sex is locking the car doors..

   The month of March - In like a lion, out like a lamb. A ferocious, saber-toothed, axe-wielding, lamb. Brrrrr...

   There has gotta be a better use for the part of my brain that remembers all the words to 'Baby Got Back'.

   if only you could put people up to the light to see if they're fake or real like a 20 dollar bill

   I almost forgot what is was like to have a GF until the gps unit would not STFU when I pulled off the freeway to get more gas in the car.

   The rich man glories in his greed; the humble man feeds hundreds and stays silent.

   I'll bet they're busy at Walmart today. Moving all the Clorox and Lysol to the pharmacy section.

   I don't realise how hyperactively stupid I'm being until someone imitates me. :)

   They say that babies do a better job at attracting girls than puppies, so that's why I have this baby on a leash, Officer.

   Every time I almost think humanity will be okay, I see someone struggle with the self-checkout for 20 minutes.

   I HATE people who take drugs. Customs for example.

   No one realizes when someone says, "The last thing I wanna do is hurt you," that basically implies: there is a list, hurting you is on it.

   Not sure how these ducks got into this Starbucks. Or teenage girls. Hard to tell really.

   My closet should be on Hoarders. Fell in looking for second shoe. 45 minutes later I had to cut my left arm off with a plastic hanger.