Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The two big events seem to be the Royal Wedding, and the NFL draft, Why not combine the two and see What postion does William take Kate in the First Round!!

   Music is my drugs, Youtube is my DEALER, VEVO are the COPS

   Somewhere, right now.. One of my Facebook friends is already drunk!"

   Guys... at what point do they stop being skinny jeans and start being pantyhose?

   hoping to be part of a wordless briefcase exchange someday.

   If I can wear my slippers and there's free food, I'm in.

   I think, therefore we have nothing in common.

   a valentines day nonbeliever!!!

   I was upset when I heard that Justin Beiber got a haircut because it meant I was gonna have to rearrange my "Top ten things I care least about" list.

   making the 6 Million Dollar Man sound effect as he runs.

   Words will only hurt when you believe them.

   Today's sh!tty attitude is proudly sponsored by the alarm clock.

   Me have safe sex? You kiddin? My girlfriends idea of safe sex is locking the car doors..

   The month of March - In like a lion, out like a lamb. A ferocious, saber-toothed, axe-wielding, lamb. Brrrrr...

   There has gotta be a better use for the part of my brain that remembers all the words to 'Baby Got Back'.

   if only you could put people up to the light to see if they're fake or real like a 20 dollar bill

   I almost forgot what is was like to have a GF until the gps unit would not STFU when I pulled off the freeway to get more gas in the car.

   The rich man glories in his greed; the humble man feeds hundreds and stays silent.

   I'll bet they're busy at Walmart today. Moving all the Clorox and Lysol to the pharmacy section.

   I don't realise how hyperactively stupid I'm being until someone imitates me. :)