Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever.

   With all the technology available now, you'd think they'd have found a way to grow apples without those little stickers.

   when a guy is sexting does he get a phoner?

   My brain is about as well organized as the Walmart $5 dvd bin.

   If thought bubbles appeared magically above my head I would be so screwed.

   For a minute there, I thought I had just wasted 60 seconds...

   My conscience is clear...because I soak it in vodka.

   Video games ARE to blame for the amount of violence in society. I'm not even comfortable talking about the amount of real life turtles I've jumped on.

   Raise your right hand if you were home schooled. No, your other right hand.

   All them damn rich people carry around small dogs... When I am rich I'm gonna carry a midget!!!

   When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

   when I was little I used to think Marshmallows were ghost turds...

   Fancy a 11/11/11 baby ?? ...... if so, best do your stuff this Friday !!!

   What's with all those sub categories in facebook's relationship status option? For example...what's a Domestic Partnership? She vacuums while he dusts?

   “Use divorce, Luke.” – Obi Wan, marriage counselor

   Some people call me a smart ass, I say I'm just smart with a good ass answer.

   I stopped believing for a little while this morning. Journey is gonna be so pissed when they find out:(

   Secret Lovers my a$$! Why be someone's dirty little secret when you can be someone else's pride and joy?

   You always remember your first crush. Mine was Orange.

   I said "I see...a normal person would choose the bucket because it is bigger." He responded, "No. a normal person would pull the plug...would you like a bed by the window?"