Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus and a recovery room where they have clear print.

   Long story short, I love summaries

   Life is like a box of chocolates...I don't think so! Mine is more like a box of hand grenades...pull the wrong pin and everything goes flying!

   Help! My Chia Pet is sick and I'm not sure if I should bring it to the Vet or the Florist?

   anything is possible with boobs

   Farmville? Meh..just wake me up when they launch "Margaritaville"..

   Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever.

   With all the technology available now, you'd think they'd have found a way to grow apples without those little stickers.

   when a guy is sexting does he get a phoner?

   My brain is about as well organized as the Walmart $5 dvd bin.

   If thought bubbles appeared magically above my head I would be so screwed.

   For a minute there, I thought I had just wasted 60 seconds...

   My conscience is clear...because I soak it in vodka.

   Video games ARE to blame for the amount of violence in society. I'm not even comfortable talking about the amount of real life turtles I've jumped on.

   Raise your right hand if you were home schooled. No, your other right hand.

   All them damn rich people carry around small dogs... When I am rich I'm gonna carry a midget!!!

   When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

   when I was little I used to think Marshmallows were ghost turds...

   Fancy a 11/11/11 baby ?? ...... if so, best do your stuff this Friday !!!

   What's with all those sub categories in facebook's relationship status option? For example...what's a Domestic Partnership? She vacuums while he dusts?