Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate places like airports and stadiums that charge $5 for a water. If I wanted a $5 water, I'd buy a Bud Light.

   Wants to have unprotected text

   90% of men like to masturbate. The other 10% don't have arms.

   Officially out of Liquor Stores within a 25km radius that don't Recognize me as soon as I walk in the door...

   Zombie hunting, It't not just a sport, its survival!

   And how does everyone feel about the cost of epipens and diabetes meds, Thanks Biden.. how you like me now?

   I'm starting a cult, calling it Sheenism, you pretty much just get drunk and do whatever the hell you want, but you get a free What Would Charlie do Bracelet.

   Who's the most popular guy at the nudist camp? The one carrying two cups of coffee and a dozen donuts.

   I grew 2 inches today. and yes thats exactly what youre thinking...

   Craigs List: ROOMATE WANTED!! Recently vacated room needs some TLC (carpet shampooing, wall cleaning/patching, ect..) Muslim family of 13 looking for a clean, non smoking male that is preferably NOT on the FBI Most Wanted list.

   My friend posted on Facebook saying, "Rhianna is the greatest artist evar <<<<3" For some reason she got annoyed when I said, "No way, Chris Brown beats Rhianna any day!"

   Lesson of the Day: This is your ass (_._) This is your ass on prison (_O_) . Any questions? Just say no to crime!

   Live once. Regret nothing. Rewrite destiny.. nothing is written in stone. Nothing. Love your life the way you need to, not the way your told too.

   "I like your pushy." - Sean Connery talking dirty to his woman

   I hate it when I tell someone I'll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway.

   I need a volunteer to make sure when I die, my obituary reads: he laid down that boogie and played that funky music til he died.

   Blood makes you related but loyalty makes you family

   Well....Today IS THE DAY....... Time to pull out of the freezer.... the 5 bags of orange and black peanut butter flavored rocks that I got last November at Walgreens for 80% off..... Those pesky kid's teeth will NEVER know what hit them .....Bwhahahaha

   Biggest turn on: When a girl picks the iron as her Monopoly piece.

   Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world.