Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have a talent for only attracting people I have no interest in dating.

   I swear my cat was an alarm clock in a previous life...

   I went out to the end of my driveway wearing a bathrobe to get the paper and there wasn't a single neighbor around to say hi. Movies lie.

   *Breaking News: North Korea missile test delayed due to problems with Windows 95.

   Where would I be without my mother? Probably in the middle of traffic, without my jacket on, talking to some stranger.

   My level of lazy is that I don't think house arrest would be that bad.

   The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time...

   RANDOM FACT: Rihanna's face is 70% forehead.

   "Can we talk for a minute?" is code for, "I am going to ruin the next 6 hours of your life with this bad news here."

   When a girl says she wants you to splurge on her, calm down, it's not what you think...

   Did you know birthday cake is the only food you can blow on and spit on and everybody still rushes to get a piece?

   Google Earth is way cooler than regular Earth.

   Winter: It's like the crazy murderer in a horror movie. Just when you think it's dead, it strikes one last time.

   thinks that it is insane that I need a background check to adopt a puppy but any moron can have a baby...

   How can you tell that the truth is being told? When Facebook blocks it, Twitter deletes it, Google hides it, Youtube bans it, the media censor it, and the government forbids it.

   KFC is planning to bring back Colonel Sanders. Because if there's one thing that will bring Americans together today, it's an old guy dressed like a plantation owner....

   This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, "Would you please press 1?" So I did. I don't remember much afterwards.

   I wonder if the Three Wise Men said to Jesus, "Just to be clear, these gifts are for your birthday AND Christmas."

   95 and Hazy today, kind of like Bernie Sanders

   Dear Santa don't drink the milk at Bill Cosby's house!!!